What is Closure...Really?

A quick look-up of the word "closure" as it relates to psychology shows that closure is when you take something that is ambiguous or not-understood and find a resolution to it. In that sense, closure can be minimized as a simple question  ---->  answer process.

Relationship closure is a whole different beast, though. Ambiguity in a relationship, particularly one that's in crisis, can last for years and have many different layers. There are questions about the other, such as:

** Why is he/she acting like that?
** Is there someone else?
** Is my partner cheating/mentally ill/physically ill/stressed out?

And there are ambiguous questions about ourselves, such as:

** What did I do to cause this?
** Is it my fault?
** Could I have been better/sexier/funnier/richer/more attractive?
** What could I have done to make this relationship work?

The interplay of all of those unknowns can make it really challenging to find "closure" in any real sense of the word. How can you achieve closure when you're not sure if maybe you could have done something to prevent your relationship from falling apart?

In my work with pre-divorce/divorcing/and post-divorce individuals and couples, there is a palpable belief that closure can happen and it can happen in such a way as to make people feel better. As an optimist, I do believe closure can occur and it can be a relief. I also think of that type of closure as an "ideal" closure.

As a realist, I think we need to explore that a more "baseline" closure may happen instead and that baseline closure may have to suffice for awhile.

Recently, I was asked what word I would use that means the same thing as closure. I couldn't think of just one. Instead, I thought that closure (particularly baseline closure) is a mixture of 1) acceptance of the things that happened, 2) hope for the future, and 3) forward motion toward change.

Accepting what's happened isn't necessarily finding answers, but it's the acknowledgement that answers may not be found. In couples where one partner wants to know "WHY?" and the other partner still has ambiguity about that very same thing, answers won't be forthcoming. So, accepting that something happened and can't be changed is really that first step toward closure.

Secondly, developing or rekindling hope for the future is key to finding closure. If you can't envision a future for yourself that holds something positive, you won't move past needing to understand the "why" of your situation. You'll be constantly trying to find "the answer" because it feels like the answer has to come before the hope.

Finally, forward motion is the process of acting on your hope. Forward motion means making one change, or a whole bunch of changes, that propel you toward your positive vision of what the future will look like.

If you're in the process of trying to find closure, which stage best describes where you are right now? If you've achieved closure, how did you do it? What were the pivotal moments that told you that you'd gotten to where you needed to be?

Please feel free to email your responses or post them on this blog. You can reach me at jennimcmc@touchingtrees.com. You can also check out my website at www.touchingtrees.com for more information about achieving closure within relationships.

Victim + Survivor = Inspired Identity

As someone who has lived through some tough emotional times before, during, and after a relationship break-up, I know there were points when I considered myself a victim and points when I considered myself a survivor.

I also know there were times when I was accused of being a victim and accused of being a survivor. The accusation of victimhood was that I was wallowing in self-pity and inertia and that the toxic combo of self-pity and inertia would cause me to stay rooted in an uninspired identity. The accusation of survivorhood was a bit more complicated; it was based on the idea that survivorhood implied previous victimhood, which was (like mentioned just a sentence before) was shameful. 

The accusations caused me to wonder who or what was driving my life narrative.

It got to the point where I wasn't sure what to refer to myself as, especially as more time passed and I was further away from the events that triggered the feeling of being victimized. It was then that I understood that there is a third step on the path of dramatic life change -- that of Inspired Identity.

Recently, I read an article about the victim/survivor discourse being shaped by the use of those two vocabulary words: "victim" and "survivor". In the article, "'Survivor’ Versus ‘Victim’: Why Choosing Your Words Carefully Is Important". Gwendolyn Wu writes,

"Empowering yourself in the context of a traumatic and life-changing experience is definitely not as easy as making a linguistic switch. However, making this vocabulary switch can impact the healing process in a positive way for some."

There is definitely a place for seeing oneself as a victim of another's aggression and abuse. An understanding of being a victim allows us to take action -- to see the contrast between what is and isn't appropriate for us to accept. Being a victim lets us say, "It's time to get help".

There is also a time when it's important to consider ourselves survivors. That time comes when the threat of imminent abuse is over and we have taken concrete physical and emotional steps to mitigate its effects and prevent its recurrence. At that point, we have survived the worst of it and made a decision to move forward. We have survived.

Then comes the third step: Creating an Inspired Identity.

I think of this step as being the time when, instead of saying "I'm a victim" or "I'm a survivor", you can simply say, "I'm a _______________". In my case, it's "I'm a therapist, writer, business owner". It can be whoever you have become as a result of who you have been.

I AM A:
mom
partner
manager
friend
pastor
community leader
employee
student
traveler
inspiration

...you get the idea. Your identity becomes yours and not an identity based on foiling someone else's bad actions. Being a victim at one point in your life doesn't set you up for a simple dichotomy for the rest of it. There isn't a switch between just victim or just survivor. You are on a path that includes much more.

For more information on moving through an Everlasting Divorce and creating an Inspired Identity, join me at www.touchingtrees.com. There you will find a survey that lets you get a FREE analysis of your situation, as well as loads more information and support. You can also share your story at Minnesota Post-Divorce Support.

5 Reasons Why You Still Fight With Your Ex

When you're in an Everlasting Divorce, or a relationship that is based on high-conflict even though you're officially separated, you might wonder, "Why is this happening?!" "Why won't he/she leave me alone?!" These are common questions you might ask yourself each time a new conflict arises.

One key to moving beyond an Everlasting Divorce is getting some clarity on why it's occurring in the first place. There are 5 reasons why you and your ex are stuck in this stressful situation.

1) Inability to disengage: One mantra from the couple's therapy world is, "Do you want to be right or do you want to be done?" This refers to the idea that you can fight about being right, which just maintains the status quo of conflict and anger. OR, you can decided that it's not as important to be right as it is to be DONE. Being done means that you refuse to argue or respond, even when you KNOW you're right.

2) Personality traits: A lot of people who are in an Everlasting Divorce have used the internet to determine that their ex has a personality disorder. In an attempt to figure out the WHY of it all, they figure out the BLAME of it all -- the other person. Definitely, people who exhibit traits of a personality disorder can be extremely difficult to detach from. One thing you should know, though, is that personality disorders can only be diagnosed by a mental health professional (ta-da!) and only if the "disordered" person comes in for that evaluation...which most don't. So, if your ex is showing signs of a potential personality disorder, that's important information to have because it can help you determine the best ways to work with them to move forward, but it's not a diagnosis that lays all the blame at her/his feet.

3) Attachment issues: When we're babies, we attach to a primary care giver. If that attachment is disrupted in some way and another adequate attachment is not formed, a person can have attachment issues. These may show up in ED as "control issues" because one of you is having difficulty with the feeling of rejection or abandonment that can occur with an Everlasting Divorce.

4) Caretaking: Sometimes this is also called "overfunctioning". If one of you has always taken care of the other, that's a really hard habit to break because the caretaker's sense of self is tied to being helpful. Maintaining a caretaking pattern of reminding someone about bills, making appointments for them, cooking for them, etc. keeps the relationship close, and it also can create resentments and anger.

5) Boundary issues: We hear a lot about "boundaries", but what that means in an Everlasting Divorce is that one or both of you aren't either creating adequate boundaries for yourself or respecting the boundaries of the other person. That might look like one person trying to make rules at the other parent's house. It might take the form of checking Facebook to see who your ex is dating...those kinds of things.

There's a lot of overlap in the potential causes of Everlasting Divorce. Taking a good, hard look at which (or how many) of those potential causes are at work in you ED can be a great first step toward making a change.

For more information, or to make an appointment to talk more about this, please go to www.touchingtrees.com or email Jenni at jennimcmc@touchingtrees.com. 

Discern THIS! Why Discernment Counseling Might Just Be What Your Struggling Marriage Needs

Discernment Counseling is a revolutionary new way to approach couples in trouble. It involves less of the emotional vulnerability needed for couples therapy and also less of the conflict we see in divorce mediation. 

Instead, Discernment Counseling meets a couple where they currently are: trying to decide whether to keep plugging away or move on. This type of counseling is perfect for couples in which one partner wants to stay in the marriage (the Leaning In partner) and one partner may be thinking about leaving the marriage (the Leaning Out partner). We call those "mixed agenda" couples because each partner is considering something different.

There are some key features of Discernment Counseling that may appeal to a couple in distress.

"Discernment counseling differs from regular marriage counseling in three ways: 

a) the goal is not to solve problems in the relationship, but to figure out whether the problems can be solved; 

b) the process involves mainly individual conversations with each partner, since they each have different needs and agendas, and 

c) it is always short term." (Most Discernment Counseling processes only last 1-5 sessions!)

What's really lovely about Discernment Counseling is that it takes certain pressures off of the couple -- like the pressure to fake their way through therapy, the pressure to end the marriage cold turkey, or the pressure to figure it all out by themselves. 

The Discernment Counseling therapist walks each partner through a series of questions and discussions that help the partners choose what's best for them individually, as well as for their marriage.

At the end of a Discernment Counseling process, each partner has to choose one of three things:

1) We are going to keep things just how they are and not do anything new.

2) W are going to separate and begin the process of ending our relationship.

3) We are going to commit to 6 months of intensive couples therapy in order to try to resolve our differences and save our marriage.

With both the second and third options, the couple can save themselves tons of time and money by going through Discernment Counseling first. 

If they decide to separate, they are ahead of the game because they have each begun the process of finding themselves as individuals. If they decide to try couples therapy, they have identified the key issues that must be addressed immediately in order to save the relationship.

For more information, please check out:

http://www.touchingtrees.com/discernment-counseling

www.discernmentcounseling.com

And, if you have any questions, please don't hesitate to call me at 612-888-2522 or email me at jennimcmc@touchingtrees.com.

** If this doesn't apply to you, but might be useful for someone you know, please feel free to pass it along!

Conscious Uncoupling vs. Everlasting Divorce: 3 Differences, 1 Huge Similarity

As I've researched the causes and effects of Everlasting Divorce, I came upon what seemed like the perfect de-coupling process: Conscious Uncoupling. Coined by Katherine Woodward Thomas, Conscious Uncoupling seems the antithesis of all we've learned about the messiness and sadness of divorce. Using CU, people can detach peacefully, mindfully, and with their respect for themselves and their ex-partner intact.

According to Thomas's article in Mind Body Green, "The goal of a conscious uncoupling is not necessarily the restoration of justice, the attainment of restitution, or the vindication of being right. The goal of a conscious uncoupling is simply to be free. And there is no more powerful action to turn a difficult situation in a harmonious direction than a generous gesture of authentic loving-kindness." 

I realized after reading this that breaking-up couples all really have one big thing in common -- they have made a decision to have a self-defined FREEDOM. Maybe it's freedom from an abusive situation, freedom from pre-defined roles, freedom from imbalance, freedom from financial co-ownership, or even a spiritual freedom.

Where some couples get stuck, though, is in the other three things Thomas mentions:
1) Restoration of justice
2) Attainment of restitution
3) Vindication of being right

That's where couples who are experiencing the Everlasting Divorce are different from those that can uncouple with more ease. 

High-conflict post-divorce couples have at least one person who wants justice, restitution, or vindication. At least one person feels wounded so deeply that, without those three things (sometimes just one, but mostly all three), they cannot move on.

Why would someone feel like that? It seems like it would be easier to just turn around and say, "Forget it". But, if you're someone whose life has been upended by your intimate partner having affairs, mismanaging money, blaming you, gaslighting you and friends, and/or interfering with your parenting relationship, you're probably really angry. Like, down to your soul angry. 

Turning the other cheek may feel like you're slapping your own face. Walking away may feel like you're leaving a whole bundle of your best integrity on your ex's front yard.

Like couples who decide to "consciously" uncouple, individuals in an Everlasting Divorce have choices. Those choices can include finding ways to hold onto hope for justice, restitution, and vindication. Those choices can also include investing in one's own self to find healing and an ability to reframe "dumping your integrity" into "creating new authenticity". 

If you have questions about where you are in the process of post-divorcing your ex, please feel free to call or email me. I can be reached at 612-888-2522 most weekdays and at jennimcmc@touchingtrees.com. 

Also, you can find out more information at www.touchingtrees.com.

#divorce #uncoupling #vindication #therapy #narcissism #marriage #trauma #justice #jennifermcbridemcnamara #touchingtrees

My Ex Still Triggers Me!

Feeling emotionally triggered or anxious about interacting with your ex-partner is a sign that you may be in an Everlasting Divorce, or a relationship that continues to be stressful long after the break-up.

Margaret Paul wrote a great piece for Mind Body Green that points out a lot of the reasons you may get triggered (hint: most have to do with painful experiences in your life). In it, she notes that there are many common triggers for people. From her list, these five seem to resonate most with people who are experiencing post-divorce issues:

• Someone rejecting you.
• Divorce, by its nature, involves a rejection. If you're the one who wanted and initiated the divorce, you may have inadvertently triggered your partner to feel defensive because that deep-seated fear of rejection came true. If they initiated the divorce, the feeling of rejection you felt at the time can come roaring back when you least expect it.
• Someone giving you a disapproving look.
• Your ex knows exactly which shady eyes to throw at you to make you come unglued, right? How many times, post-divorce, have you felt your stress escalate because of a simple look?
• Someone blaming or shaming you.
• Depending on the reason for your break-up, you may feel some blame or shame and an ex can be good at pointing that out for you. However, even if they aren't pointing it out, you may think they are because of a nonverbal or verbal joust.
• Someone being judgmental or critical of you.
• It was hard enough to be criticized during the relationship. Feeling criticized after the relationship is over can be very triggering, especially if you don't have any way to "prove" your ex wrong.
• Someone trying to control you.
• When you have financial attachment to your ex-partner, it can feel like he or she is trying to control you through money. That can take the form of questioning your financial decisions, withholding money for non-negotiated expenses, or causing damage to your credit.

Understanding our emotional triggers can go a long way toward figuring out how to temper them and reduce their power in a post-divorce relationship.

For more information, please feel free to email me at jennimcmc@touchingtrees.com or check out our TouchingTrees website. If you're in the greater Twin Cities area, I'm available to chat by phone or meet with you for a free consultation.

Excerpts taken from: 

What Are Emotional Triggers + Why You Need To Understand Them, Margaret Paul, 4/17/15, Mind Body Green

#jennifermcbridemcnamara #therapy #divorce #relationship #trauma #touchingtrees

What is an Everlasting Divorce?

A few years ago, I had the opportunity to speak to a group of Minnesota Marriage and Family Therapists about the idea of an Everlasting Divorce, or a divorce that seems to go on long after the papers have been signed and lost in a drawer. A regular divorce is hard enough, we can all agree. But, an Everlasting Divorce takes the stress of divorce and amplifies it.

What are some signs of an Everlasting Divorce?

1) You still experience high anxiety when you have to interact with your ex.

2) You fall back into old patterns of behaving when you have contact with your ex. For instance, you start checking his or her Facebook page or drinking a little more than usual to calm your nerves.

3) You find yourself getting triggered by things that remind you of your ex, maybe a certain restaurant, a song, a favorite food, or seeing a relative or friend.

4) You've tried therapy and it hasn't gotten you to a place where you aren't still "stuck" in the post-divorce drama.

An Everlasting Divorce is one in which neither partner can effectively disengage, whether that's emotionally, physically, or financially. An Everlasting Divorce is the continued struggle for power that occurs after the status quo has been disrupted.

"I think I might be in an Everlasting Divorce. So what? Isn't that how it is for everyone?"

Actually, it may be like that for a lot of people, but it doesn't have to be the norm and it doesn't have to be an inevitability for YOU.

There are a wide range of effects of Everlasting Divorce that you probably would rather not have.

First, your physical self takes a hit. Elevated cortisol (stress hormone) levels can create changes to your brain structure over time, making it harder to sleep, concentrate, or remember.

Your emotional self is definitely affected. You may have difficulty trusting others, you may be sensitive to rejection. You may even have difficulty reconnecting with your own thoughts and emotions.

Financially, you could be at risk because stress may be interfering with your ability to function at work or because you're spending a lot of money on attorneys, mediators, self-help books, or therapies that aren't working for you. Like having a chronic illness, being in an Everlasting Divorce is a long, slow road to dissatisfaction and unhappiness.

A lot of different factors can influence whether a divorce will be Everlasting or not. Sometimes, one partner has traits of a personality disorder, such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder. Sometimes, there is a severe lack of empathy or a trauma that seems overwhelming. Sorting out the reasons for the Everlasting Divorce can be a good first step to overcoming it.

To find out if you might be in an Everlasting Divorce, please feel free to call my office at 612-888-2522 or email me at jennimcmc@touchingtrees.com.


#divorce #anxiety #power #finances #relationship #therapy #happiness #narcissism #borderline #trauma #jennifermcbridemcnamara #touchingtrees