5 Reasons Why You Still Fight With Your Ex

When you're in an Everlasting Divorce, or a relationship that is based on high-conflict even though you're officially separated, you might wonder, "Why is this happening?!" "Why won't he/she leave me alone?!" These are common questions you might ask yourself each time a new conflict arises.

One key to moving beyond an Everlasting Divorce is getting some clarity on why it's occurring in the first place. There are 5 reasons why you and your ex are stuck in this stressful situation.

1) Inability to disengage: One mantra from the couple's therapy world is, "Do you want to be right or do you want to be done?" This refers to the idea that you can fight about being right, which just maintains the status quo of conflict and anger. OR, you can decided that it's not as important to be right as it is to be DONE. Being done means that you refuse to argue or respond, even when you KNOW you're right.

2) Personality traits: A lot of people who are in an Everlasting Divorce have used the internet to determine that their ex has a personality disorder. In an attempt to figure out the WHY of it all, they figure out the BLAME of it all -- the other person. Definitely, people who exhibit traits of a personality disorder can be extremely difficult to detach from. One thing you should know, though, is that personality disorders can only be diagnosed by a mental health professional (ta-da!) and only if the "disordered" person comes in for that evaluation...which most don't. So, if your ex is showing signs of a potential personality disorder, that's important information to have because it can help you determine the best ways to work with them to move forward, but it's not a diagnosis that lays all the blame at her/his feet.

3) Attachment issues: When we're babies, we attach to a primary care giver. If that attachment is disrupted in some way and another adequate attachment is not formed, a person can have attachment issues. These may show up in ED as "control issues" because one of you is having difficulty with the feeling of rejection or abandonment that can occur with an Everlasting Divorce.

4) Caretaking: Sometimes this is also called "overfunctioning". If one of you has always taken care of the other, that's a really hard habit to break because the caretaker's sense of self is tied to being helpful. Maintaining a caretaking pattern of reminding someone about bills, making appointments for them, cooking for them, etc. keeps the relationship close, and it also can create resentments and anger.

5) Boundary issues: We hear a lot about "boundaries", but what that means in an Everlasting Divorce is that one or both of you aren't either creating adequate boundaries for yourself or respecting the boundaries of the other person. That might look like one person trying to make rules at the other parent's house. It might take the form of checking Facebook to see who your ex is dating...those kinds of things.

There's a lot of overlap in the potential causes of Everlasting Divorce. Taking a good, hard look at which (or how many) of those potential causes are at work in you ED can be a great first step toward making a change.

For more information, or to make an appointment to talk more about this, please go to www.touchingtrees.com or email Jenni at jennimcmc@touchingtrees.com. 

Conscious Uncoupling vs. Everlasting Divorce: 3 Differences, 1 Huge Similarity

As I've researched the causes and effects of Everlasting Divorce, I came upon what seemed like the perfect de-coupling process: Conscious Uncoupling. Coined by Katherine Woodward Thomas, Conscious Uncoupling seems the antithesis of all we've learned about the messiness and sadness of divorce. Using CU, people can detach peacefully, mindfully, and with their respect for themselves and their ex-partner intact.

According to Thomas's article in Mind Body Green, "The goal of a conscious uncoupling is not necessarily the restoration of justice, the attainment of restitution, or the vindication of being right. The goal of a conscious uncoupling is simply to be free. And there is no more powerful action to turn a difficult situation in a harmonious direction than a generous gesture of authentic loving-kindness." 

I realized after reading this that breaking-up couples all really have one big thing in common -- they have made a decision to have a self-defined FREEDOM. Maybe it's freedom from an abusive situation, freedom from pre-defined roles, freedom from imbalance, freedom from financial co-ownership, or even a spiritual freedom.

Where some couples get stuck, though, is in the other three things Thomas mentions:
1) Restoration of justice
2) Attainment of restitution
3) Vindication of being right

That's where couples who are experiencing the Everlasting Divorce are different from those that can uncouple with more ease. 

High-conflict post-divorce couples have at least one person who wants justice, restitution, or vindication. At least one person feels wounded so deeply that, without those three things (sometimes just one, but mostly all three), they cannot move on.

Why would someone feel like that? It seems like it would be easier to just turn around and say, "Forget it". But, if you're someone whose life has been upended by your intimate partner having affairs, mismanaging money, blaming you, gaslighting you and friends, and/or interfering with your parenting relationship, you're probably really angry. Like, down to your soul angry. 

Turning the other cheek may feel like you're slapping your own face. Walking away may feel like you're leaving a whole bundle of your best integrity on your ex's front yard.

Like couples who decide to "consciously" uncouple, individuals in an Everlasting Divorce have choices. Those choices can include finding ways to hold onto hope for justice, restitution, and vindication. Those choices can also include investing in one's own self to find healing and an ability to reframe "dumping your integrity" into "creating new authenticity". 

If you have questions about where you are in the process of post-divorcing your ex, please feel free to call or email me. I can be reached at 612-888-2522 most weekdays and at jennimcmc@touchingtrees.com. 

Also, you can find out more information at www.touchingtrees.com.

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What is an Everlasting Divorce?

A few years ago, I had the opportunity to speak to a group of Minnesota Marriage and Family Therapists about the idea of an Everlasting Divorce, or a divorce that seems to go on long after the papers have been signed and lost in a drawer. A regular divorce is hard enough, we can all agree. But, an Everlasting Divorce takes the stress of divorce and amplifies it.

What are some signs of an Everlasting Divorce?

1) You still experience high anxiety when you have to interact with your ex.

2) You fall back into old patterns of behaving when you have contact with your ex. For instance, you start checking his or her Facebook page or drinking a little more than usual to calm your nerves.

3) You find yourself getting triggered by things that remind you of your ex, maybe a certain restaurant, a song, a favorite food, or seeing a relative or friend.

4) You've tried therapy and it hasn't gotten you to a place where you aren't still "stuck" in the post-divorce drama.

An Everlasting Divorce is one in which neither partner can effectively disengage, whether that's emotionally, physically, or financially. An Everlasting Divorce is the continued struggle for power that occurs after the status quo has been disrupted.

"I think I might be in an Everlasting Divorce. So what? Isn't that how it is for everyone?"

Actually, it may be like that for a lot of people, but it doesn't have to be the norm and it doesn't have to be an inevitability for YOU.

There are a wide range of effects of Everlasting Divorce that you probably would rather not have.

First, your physical self takes a hit. Elevated cortisol (stress hormone) levels can create changes to your brain structure over time, making it harder to sleep, concentrate, or remember.

Your emotional self is definitely affected. You may have difficulty trusting others, you may be sensitive to rejection. You may even have difficulty reconnecting with your own thoughts and emotions.

Financially, you could be at risk because stress may be interfering with your ability to function at work or because you're spending a lot of money on attorneys, mediators, self-help books, or therapies that aren't working for you. Like having a chronic illness, being in an Everlasting Divorce is a long, slow road to dissatisfaction and unhappiness.

A lot of different factors can influence whether a divorce will be Everlasting or not. Sometimes, one partner has traits of a personality disorder, such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder. Sometimes, there is a severe lack of empathy or a trauma that seems overwhelming. Sorting out the reasons for the Everlasting Divorce can be a good first step to overcoming it.

To find out if you might be in an Everlasting Divorce, please feel free to call my office at 612-888-2522 or email me at jennimcmc@touchingtrees.com.


#divorce #anxiety #power #finances #relationship #therapy #happiness #narcissism #borderline #trauma #jennifermcbridemcnamara #touchingtrees