Now You're Going to Tell Me that I Can't Afford to NOT get a Relationship Consultant

You're still reading and that's AWESOME! Hopefully, you've had a chance to check out the first two posts: Relationship Consulting: When it makes sense to get another opinion, and  Fine, I'm Listening: What Does a Relationship Consultant Do?
If so, you've gotten the basics about why having a Relationship Consultant is a fabulous idea and what a Relationship Consultant is actually going to do for you.

So, obviously, this is the point in this pitch where I talk you into thinking that there is nothing better for you to spend your money on. Right?

I'm not going to lie to you. You're partially right.

Let me start with this, though. Each family's financial situation is unique. It's not for me to decide how you prioritize your spending. In fact, as a Relationship Consultant, my role is simply to identify issues that are impacting your relationship, not add to them.

When considering Relationship Consulting, you should consider this cost-benefit analysis:

1) How much are our relationship issues impacting my functioning in the following areas: social life, intimacy, parenting, self-esteem, financial, legal, work productivity, etc.?

2) How much energy, time, and money do I want to invest in resolving those issues?

3) What are the potential positive outcomes from investing in resolving those issues?

4) What are the potential negative outcomes?

Before you consider calling for a consultation, I'd recommend you spend a few minutes thinking about all of these questions. You may find that the issues have definitely been impacting you in ways you don't like and you're ready to figure stuff out and get support. You may even be able to re-allocate some funds from other sources in order to do that. If so, then you're in a position to participate in and benefit from a consultation.

If the issues aren't impacting your functioning, you don't want to invest time and money into resolving them, or you are worried about potential negative outcomes, this isn't the right process or the right time for you.

THIS is where I show you what an amazing value Relationship Consulting is...

I did a little consulting market research. I looked at other types of professionals or specialists and what they charge for their services.

Consider these costs we might incur:

An automobile service visit can cost $150/hour for labor.
A massage therapist/spa can charge $100-200/hour for services.
A personal trainer may cost $50-75/hour for multiple hours a week.
An educational consultant (helping kids get into college) can charge up to $3000.
A doula charges $500-2000 for prenatal appointments and delivery.
A financial/investment specialist will charge a percentage of your investment.
An attorney charges $200-$400 for services.
A therapist can bill between $100-$250/hour for sessions.
A website/social media manager can charge $400-$1500/month for services.

You, of course, see where I'm going. 

As your Relationship Consultant, I'm committing to the following number of hours:

1-2 hours: Reading and analyzing two online assessments
2 hours: Meeting with you in person or over video to ask questions and get additional information
1-2 hours: Creating your personalized report
1-2 hours: Following up with you for a year to see if you need additional support

At an hourly rate of $150, that's a minimum of $750. (Good news, that's not what I'm currently charging!)

What's great about having a consultation, though, is that you will get information that can save you money in other areas:

1) By being aware of issues and having recommendations for services, you can get the right type of support sooner. Many couples who enter therapy spend 2-4 sessions providing background information. Having a consultation report can save time when you start with a new counselor.

2) Some couples skip counseling altogether and separate or divorce. As family law attorneys will tell you, having unresolved emotional issues will often make the divorce process very difficult and prolonged because emotional issues manifest into custody and financial disputes. By identifying, understanding, and managing emotional issues before contacting an attorney, couples who are splitting up can save so much in attorney's fees (and emotional energy!).

3) You may find that you have a single issue that can be resolved by a specific intervention, like seeing a sex therapist, a medical doctor, or getting a babysitter. Knowing that the "big" issue isn't as big as it seems when you're thinking about it in the middle of the night can keep it from getting out of control.

Okay, okay, here's the real deal:

Because Relationship Consulting is so new, I'm going to offer it for lower than $750 for some amount of time. If you decide this is for you and you contact me, we'll figure out a price that works for you. And, hey, if $750 works for you, that's great with me too!

Fine, I’m Listening: What does a Relationship Consultant do?

In my last post, Relationship Consulting: When it makes sense to get another opinion, I laid out some solid reasons why having a relationship consultation makes sense. What I didn't do, though, is tell you exactly who a Relationship Consultant IS and what a Relationship Consultant DOES!

So, here you go.

A Relationship Consultant IS someone with professional training in relationships (a therapist) and with extensive additional training in relationship facilitation (Prepare/Enrich), "crisis" issues (discernment counseling, decoupling counseling), and mediation. In addition, a Relationship Consultant should have a deep field of referral options in different types of therapies, family law, and financial analysis.

A Relationship Consultant DOES four basic things. 

1) Administers an online assessment. In our case, I give you access to an online set of questions that you and your partner answer, separately.

2) Looks over your answers and then interviews you about them. Once I've seen what both you and your partner have answered, I look for places I want additional information. I'll then meet with you and your partner separately to see what other data I need in order to get a well-rounded picture of your relationship.

3) Writes a report and gives it to you. After we've had a chance to talk--up to an hour for each of you--I'll take everything I've learned about your relationship and write you a fancy report. This report is going to do two big things. First, it's going to list/highlight/bring to your attention issues that came up during the assessments and interviews. Some of these issues may be known to you; some may have been in your blind spot. Secondly, this report is going to include recommendations for next steps for you. These next steps will be tailored to what you need.

4) Follows up with you for a year. After I've handed off your report, I'll follow up with you at scheduled intervals in order to see how your next steps are going and if you need any additional recommendations.

Some questions I've gotten:

* What if you're my Relationship Consultant and I want to stay on with you in a therapy role?
Depending on your needs, we can transition into a different professional relationship where I provide the counseling and therapy services you need and want. If I change my role with you, I'll have you complete an informed consent to that change in services.

*What if you're my Relationship Consultant and I DON'T want to stay with you in a therapy role?
That's completely fine! My job as your consultant isn't to drum up therapy business for myself. It's to help you get the support you need. I will offer you referrals to therapists I think may be a good fit for you and hope they work out.

Next up: Now You're Going to Tell Me that I Can't Afford to NOT get a Relationship Consultant

Relationship Consulting: When it makes sense to get another opinion

What would you say if I told you that, much of the time, the only part of someone’s life that they DON’T get help from a consultant on is their relationship?

Think about it. We get help from specialists for almost everything. From our cars, to our plumbing, to our retirement accounts, to our fitness, to our spirituality, to our parenting, to our healthcare…we rely on and value the input of specific, learned, trusted others.

But our relationships? Rarely. Sometimes people will get some pre-marital counseling before getting married. But people who aren’t married don’t often reach out for that. Sometimes people will seek some religious mentoring if they want to feel closer to each other. Generally, though, the first time most people start to "consult" about their relationships is when things are starting to fall apart..and then they consult with friends and family before thinking about therapy.

Why do we do that to ourselves? (I can give you an answer, but maybe I’ll save that for another day!)

Our primary intimate relationship, whether married or not, is a foundation of our stability and success. This is the person we share time and resources with, rely on, support, get supported by, laugh with, cry around, raise children with, attend cousin’s birthday parties with, fart near, retire with…this is the big one. This is THE relationship that we put a big chunk of our lives into.

We are taught, though, that once we’re partnered or married, we should know how to do it all by ourselves. We should know how to fight fairly, apologize, express our needs, share our time equitably, and achieve life balance. And if we can’t…then we’ve failed ourselves and our relationship, and sometimes even our family and our religion.

It’s only then, IF THEN, that we reach out for help. When the problems have gotten too big or the silences have gotten too long—that’s when we think, “Crap! We need to get some help!” So many times, though, the rift is such that a few half-hearted sessions of couples counseling just isn’t enough to salvage anything of the original relationship and it, unfortunately, ends.

I believe it doesn’t have to be that way. I believe receiving a relationship consultation early can do one of a number of things:

1) Keep you out of therapy. Catch those communication or conflict issues early and you may not even need counseling.

2) Get you the specific help you do need. Yes, couples need help sometimes. But maybe you need a sex therapist and not an attachment therapist. Maybe you need a financial planner and not a sex therapist. Maybe you need an attorney, but maybe you just need some enrichment exercises! A relationship consultant helps you identify your relationship’s unique needs and get you the relevant support.

3) Keep a bad situation from getting worse. Maybe the relationship is too far gone to salvage. But, a relationship consultant can tell you the hot button items AND how to address them in order to reduce the emotional and financial cost of a breakup.

A relationship consultation should be the first step for any relationship that is experiencing any issues, however big or small. It’s the quickest, most cost-effective way to get a handle on what you need and to get the personalized, specialized support to meet those needs.

Next Up: Fine, I’m Listening: What Does a RelationshipConsultant Do?

Taking Stock at a Stranger's Funeral

"He died. I am SO sad and angry. I know you two will get it, to some extent, so thank you for letting me vent." That was a text another woman and I received from a friend whose therapist had died just days before.

I guess I have a little handle on what it means to grieve, but I'd never experienced something like this. Most of us haven't. Our therapists are many things to us: guides, listeners, challengers, comforters... They are our secret-keepers and the knowers of the deepest things we'll share with anyone, sometimes including our partners. They aren't the people who say goodbye after a session and disappear from our lives. That's not how it's supposed to work. We are the ones who are supposed to make that call.

But as my friend can attest, unfortunately we don't always get to.

The three of us decided to attend the memorial together. One of us was there to grieve the therapist who had earned her trust and made her feel like she was the most important person in the world. Two of us were there to support her in any way we could. Also, since there is generally no HIPAA-approved section for grieving clients at a funeral for a therapist, we decided to attend as a herd to obscure her relationship to him.

As it turned out, our anonymity was insured by the hundreds and hundreds of people there to remember him.

So...that's how I ended up at the funeral of someone I didn't know. What's next, though, is what I learned from it.

Just like wedding crashing and sitting in a court when you have no case in front of a judge (both of which, oddly, I've done), attending the funeral of a stranger is a window into a life that you rarely get to see. It's an opportunity to observe without seeing it all through a lens of personal loss.

I learned about a man whose family was as devoted to him as he was to it. I learned about a man who took care of others and who had mastered the art of taking care of himself in the process. I learned that he was, by all accounts of those who spoke of him, someone whose presence in others' lives won't be extinguished as long as there is someone to ask the question, "What would he think of that?" when there's an important life decision to be made.

To be honest, I marveled at how many lives he had touched so deeply that they would come to honor him in death. To be even more honest, I wondered if what I have done so far has been "enough"; if what I have given has had any lasting impact; and, if how I've loved has created more love.

Maybe that's what it all boils down to: Is how we live and love creating better life and more love? It's not a perfect measuring tool, but it might be a good way to take stock of how we are in the world.

I didn't know this man, but by the end of his memorial, I felt like I'd gotten a taste of how the ways he lived and loved had created more of each. I better understood my friend when she said that she felt like the most important person when she talked with him. And I decided to be more conscious and conscientious in my connections to others.

I wouldn't presume to know the answer to the question, "What would he think of that?" related to any of this, but my hope is that out in there in the universe somewhere is a sigh that might respond, "I think that's good."

"It's That Time of the Year Again": Recognizing Emotionally Important Seasons

Every fall, I'm like "Oh, I LOVE FALL!!" I love the leaf mess, the last bonfire wisps, and the hint of chill that allows me to sleep with the window open. But, every spring, I'm like "I love Spring SO MUCH!" I can never quite wait to get into the garden or to will the perennials to poke their heads through some dirty snow. Summer and winter...sorry, I'm not so in love with you, although I definitely like you a lot.

I've noticed another time of year that gives me feelings, though. It's mid-August to mid-September. In Minnesota, it's that no-person's time between summer and fall, so I don't necessarily have a socially coherent smell or sight to associate with it. Instead, I have the memories of leaving, moving, starting new, changing, comforting, struggling, coping, failing, hoping, and wishing things were different at the same time I was wishing them to be better.

Those memories are tied to a few other things besides time of year, too. There are Daughtry songs that still, eight years later, cause me to tear up or get pissed. There are Evanescence songs that still pour strength into me and remind me of how much emotional landscape I've crossed. There are certain events, like the first day of school, that I had to learn to share differently. Then there's my daughter's birthday, the first one I ever had to navigate as a separated person.

I'm assuming that other people have these times, too. I assume there are times that remind us of when someone was born, when someone else died, or when something amazing or tragic happened in our lives. So I'm wondering, how do you head into those times of the year? Do you dread them? Do you take time to acknowledge what you're experiencing so many years later? Has it even been years or is it still fresh and palpable?

For a few years, I was definitely in the dread camp. I wanted to enjoy that summer-fall conjunction, but just couldn't quite get there. It was fraught with re-experiences of anger and sadness and fear. Inevitably, I'd hear the song September and all the old stuff would wash over me.

Over time, though, I've learned to sit with the feelings when they come. I tell them I see them, that I can honor where they've been. I also try to make new memories that hopefully, over time, can provide a new resonance and perspective.

How do you experience residual feelings that are tied to events in your life? Definitely share the good ones, but also know that it's okay to share the not-as-good-to-downright-awful-ones, too.

www.touchingtrees.com
jennimcmc@touchingtrees.com

Integrity: Why You Should Preserve and Not Spend It (During Your Divorce)

At the risk of starting this post like a middle-school paper, I want to first define integrity...

Integrity is "the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles and moral uprightness". Great. But what is "moral"? Another peek at a dictionary shows that morality is "principles concerning the distinction between right and wrong and good and bad behavior".

Fine. So, integrity is about being honest and maintaining one's principles regarding good and bad behavior. Now that THAT'S solved...

In a divorce (or even post-divorce), it can be really difficult for some people to maintain their integrity. They may be so psychically injured that they resort to name-calling, rumor-spreading, underhanded financial scheming, turning kids against a parent, and any number of other questionable behaviors.

Those partners/ex-partners spend their integrity like they have an unlimited supply of it. They spend their integrity as if it's a currency that can re-grow on trees. The problem is that integrity doesn't grow on trees and can't be reclaimed without a great deal of reparation and humility.

Think about anyone you've known who has had a habit of (or even just one significant period of) lying, manipulating, wiggling out of trouble, disparaging someone else, spreading gossip... Then think about what your impression of that person is. Do you trust them? Do you want to work with them? Or are you wary and not interested in spending much time with them at all?

When one or both partners in a breakup spend their integrity, they lose the chance to work together authentically for the sake of their children (if there are any) or themselves. How can one parent trust the intentions of the other parent when all indications are that his or her integrity has been all used up? The reality is, they can't. That loss of trust then permeates all interactions.

However, preserving your integrity just so you can work with your ex isn't the only reason to hold on to it. You need to preserve your integrity for yourself -- so you can, quite frankly, live with yourself and sleep well at night. You may also want to be a positive role model for your kids or others who will look at how you handled yourself.

When I work with individuals or couples who are in relationship crisis, one of the first things I tell them is that we will work together to help them maintain their integrity through the process. It's critical for one's self-respect to at least try to do that. It's also critical to have a safe place to vent when your ex is spending their own integrity faster than seems possible--mostly so you can process it, but also so you don't spend some of your own trying to defend yourself.

If you'd like more information on how to maintain your integrity (or even get it back!) during a breakup, let me know--I'd be happy to help. Email me at jennimcmc@touchingtrees.com or check out my website at www.touchingtrees.com.

Do I Need an Attorney? Guest Post by Amanda Porter, Porter Law Office

Divorce is an emotional, confusing, and messy process. Not knowing what to expect can be one of the most terrifying aspects for many people. Here are some answers to important, but common, questions: Do you need to have an attorney? If so, what kind of attorney do you want? What’s a collaborative divorce?

First things first...

The first decision someone getting divorced will need to make is whether to hire an attorney or not. The pros of hiring an attorney are pretty obvious – having someone who will handle all the paperwork for you, someone to guide you through the process, someone who knows the law and can explain it to you, etc. The drawbacks to hiring an attorney are also fairly obvious – we’re not cheap! Furthermore, hiring the wrong attorney can make things more awkward and actually further complicate things, while still costing a lot of money.

Do I need an attorney?

So how do you know if you need an attorney? No one is required to have an attorney, but the more complicated a case is, the more helpful it is to have an attorney. A couple that was married for two years, has no children, has no debt and has few assets probably doesn’t need an attorney. A couple that was married for fifteen years, has minor children, has retirement assets, has a house, has debt and has had domestic violence, could probably use an attorney. The more complicating issues there are, the more helpful (and possibly necessary) an attorney is. 

We all like to save money, but many things in a divorce are irreversible once a judge signs and doing it incorrectly can cause more problems and cost more money than hiring an attorney in the first place. If you’re not sure if you need an attorney, talk to one. Ask questions about how complicated your case is. You also may be able to hire an attorney to just review your paperwork and make sure there are no major red flags or to help you draft your paperwork.

What kind of attorney is right for me?

If you’ve decided you need or want an attorney, the next step is finding the right attorney. Price is an important part of the decision, but should not be the only factor. I encourage everyone to meet with multiple attorneys to find the right fit. Keep in mind that you’ll need to share some fairly intimate information (money, kids, possibly sex/drugs/violence depending on the circumstances) with your attorney – if you’re not comfortable doing that, that person is not the right attorney for you. Some attorneys are more blunt, some do more hand-holding. What would you prefer?

Should I look into a "collaborative" divorce?

Also complicating the issue is deciding what kind of attorney you need. Attorneys that handle divorce are generally called “family law attorneys” but there are some specializations within family law. A popular and often effective subset is “collaborative divorce.” The goal of collaborative divorce is for the parties to work collaboratively and reach agreements on all the issues in their dissolution, without having a judge. (This should almost always be the initial goal of any family law attorney absent extenuating circumstances). Collaborative family law attorneys work with the parties to attempt to resolve all the issues. 

The main difference between collaborative law and non-collaborative is that in collaborative law if the parties fail to reach an agreement, the parties have to start over with new (non-collaborative) attorneys. This is done to incentivize parties to reach an agreement (it does often work) but if parties are not able to reach an agreement it can be much more expensive. The collaborative process is a great tool, but may not be appropriate in cases where there has been domestic violence. If you have experienced domestic violence in your relationship but are still interested in the collaborative process, speak to professionals in the process to determine if it’s appropriate.

If you have other questions for Amanda, you can reach her through her website, email, or phone:

http://www.aporterlaw.com/

651.797.0990

amanda@aporterlaw.com

Porter Law Office offers a free one-hour consultation either in-person or by phone, whichever is more convenient for you. Hiring an attorney is a big investment and a free consultation permits you to ask questions about your case, the experience level of the attorney and to make sure it is a good fit for you. Call 651-797-0990 or e-mail amanda@aporterlaw.com today to set up your free one-hour consultation. 

Rocks: A New Way of Looking at Change

"Trees cannot deny the effects of a forest fire. Rocks do not try to hide the smoothness that results from the relentless pounding of waves upon them. Icebergs do not feign being untouched by the rising temperatures of our planet." Chani Nicholas

I read this line just days after crashing my knee into a rock that looked very much like the one above, except pointier. At the time I read it, I didn't have much love for rocks, let me tell you.

But, as someone who has done a lot of reflection about trees (TouchingTrees, anyone?), I realized that I've probably spent far too little time reflecting on those things that I've often taken for granted...or even cursed, as in the case of landscape rock or rocks that trip me while hiking.

This was quite the epiphany for me: Rocks gain their shape and their character by endless exposure to wind and water. They get rock-wrinkles from the trauma they endure. They split and they crumble, and yet some remain solid and unmoveable. In so many ways, they are metaphors for the tumbled existence we all have.

The tree metaphor is a great way to describe flexible reactions to change. Trees bend in the wind, they experience seasons, they grow, and they lose limbs. They whisper and they cry. Some scientists even say they communicate with each other through neural pathways connected by their roots.

Rocks, though...rocks provide a different metaphor for change. Rocks endure. Rocks reach with patience, and a gradual acceptance, towards change. In some situations, rocks are the epitome of zen--they are in oneness with all that goes on around them, however it may shape them.

Unless they are smashed, of course. Then they react swiftly and decidedly and serve a different narrative. The rocks that break on impact, that disintegrate into sand...those rocks are proof that trauma can create something new and unique.

When we have troubled relationships, applying a metaphor to our situation can be really helpful. As you are in the middle of upheaval, thinking of yourself as a tree bolsters your trust in the ability to bend without breaking, to recover and grow. After a difficult time that's, perhaps, left scars or lasted for a very long time, it may be helpful to think of your changed essence as the smoothness caused by enduring through trouble or the newness caused by tremendous impact.

We're entering a season that brings us outdoors more than at other times of the year. The next time you have a moment to reflect, see if you can find a rock whose story seems to be like your own. Maybe it's one that's been worn smooth, or one that's grown cracked, or even one that's gained beautiful and sharp edges. 

Feel free to share your rock story in the comments below or email me at jennimcmc@touchingtrees.com. I look forward to hearing from you!

www.touchingtrees.com

Thank You, Anxiety

In recent weeks, I've had the opportunity to talk to quite a few people about thanking or being grateful to the emotions they most wish they didn't feel.

"I hate when I get this way," I've heard. And I understand. We all carry these parts of us around that we wish we could undo or do differently.

Personally, I hate that I get super anxious when other members of my family walk the dog. "You aren't keeping him close enough! He'll lunge at that person walking toward us! He won't learn to walk well for me if everyone else lets him do what he wants!"

I hate that I worry what other people in the Target parking lot will think if I'm parked with my blinker on waiting for a spot. "Am I in their way? Are they going to honk? Do they think I'm selfish?"

See how that goes? That anxiety is annoying, time-consuming, and often completely unnecessary. I can't stand it when it happens because it makes me want to avoid walking the dog as a family or going to Target during busy times. So much of the time I'm torn between the actual anxiety and my frustration WITH the anxiety.

**Alannis Morrisette's "Thank U" -- an anthem to thanking those things we really don't want to...(click link to play/watch)

When people I work with share parts of themselves that they dislike, or even loathe, I find myself looking for the protective purpose that emotion is serving. Is the over-thinking all night long protecting you from missing something that could throw your whole next day off? Is it protecting you by covering all the bases? Is the nervousness you feel when you're in a room full of people you don't know protecting you from being judged or rejected?

When relationships are in crisis and at risk of breaking, those parts of ourselves that we like the least get activated the most. They do that because they are trying to protect us from further hurt or rejection. But, sometimes their efforts backfire and exacerbate the very situation we were trying to avoid--so we get mad at the part that tried to protect us.

Consider those times when you've been upset about something your partner did, but your worry about conflict caused you to keep it all inside. By trying to protect you from the conflict, your worry has given you a secret you now have to caretake. And, because you have a secret you're keeping from your partner, you're likely to pull away...which can cause more conflict. At the end of all that, you find yourself mad that you're conflict-averse and judge yourself for not being more forthright.

**

What I've begun doing for myself and recommending to others is really simple but counter-intuitive.

Consider how that emotion is trying to protect you. Then thank it for its service.

You'll be amazed at how quickly the tension in your mind and body goes down and how much relief you feel. Thank you, anger. Thank you, depression. Thank you, anxiety. Thank you, conflict-averseness. Thank you, social fear....

If you try this at home (which you CAN!), I'm curious how it turned out for you. Feel free to comment on this post or send me your thoughts at jennimcmc@touchingtrees.com. You can also find me on Facebook.

Two Trees: How We Can Keep Moving Forward After a Breakup

Growing end of the oldest Banyan tree on Maui

For the past I-can't-count-how-many-years, I've enjoyed taking pictures of plants. I like to get super close, hold my breath, and try to capture the most intimate details as possible.

As a therapist, it's clear to me that my process is the same: I like to get close to people, see them at their most vulnerable and beautiful, and then reflect back to them their unique identity.

There's just SO MUCH that can be learned about life by studying the metaphors provided by plants, and nothing teaches us as much about ourselves during times of crisis as our friends, the trees.

Breakups just suck. They hurt and are uncomfortable and they require a re-writing of both history and the future. We lose friends, gain friends, lose family, gain freedom... Despite the possibility of something better--a better sense of self, a better relationship, a better future--breakups mean change and change means growth.

Roots working with rock

The Banyan tree grows remarkably fast and sends roots out from nearly everywhere. For some of us, a breakup means that you can be like the Banyan tree--and immediately start reaching out for something different. You can re-install that online dating app; you can apply to grad school or eat what you want on a Thursday night.

You can use your post-breakup time to start digging deeply into your dreams and re-rooting yourself into your newest identity.

The Tamarack handles change a little differently. During the summer, it appears to be just like every other spruce: It has green needles bunched together in such a way as to look lush and soft. In autumn, however, the Tamarack turns yellow, like its neighboring birches, and the needles fall right off.

If you're not the type of person who leaps into single-hood with energy and vigor after a breakup, you might be the kind of person who has to wait until there's an appropriate time to change. Then, you might have to shed the life you had, along with its hopes and plans, and start over. Emotionally, that means you have to take stock and then build yourself back up from a place of raw bareness. 

Of course, I could probably go on all day about tree metaphors and breakups (I so totally could!), but I'm curious what you think.

If you're in a transition period in your own romantic relationship, which kind of tree better describes your reaction? Neither are better than the other; both serve their purpose of decoupling.



If you're struggling in your relationship right now, it's easy to get help (and super beneficial!). Twin Cities readers, feel free to contact me at www.touchingtrees.com or at jennimcmc@touchingtrees.com.

Self-Help Book Club Suggestions!

Hi everyone --

I just posted a video inviting you to participate in a virtual self-help book club with me over the coming months. Here are links to the books I mentioned in the video:

  Conscious Uncoupling: Katherine Woodward Thomas

The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: Beverly Engel

Mom's House, Dad's House: Isolina Ricci, PhD.

The Divorce Remedy: Michele Weiner Davis

Transformational Divorce: Karen Kahn Wilson, Ed.D

The Long Way Home--The Powerful 4-Step Plan for Adult Children of Divorce: M. Gary Neuman

If any of these seem interesting to you, or you'd like to suggest a different one we can read together, feel free to email me at:

jennimcmc@touchingtrees.com

Or call  me at:
612-888-2522

Or visit my website at:
www.touchingtrees.com

Victim + Survivor = Inspired Identity

As someone who has lived through some tough emotional times before, during, and after a relationship break-up, I know there were points when I considered myself a victim and points when I considered myself a survivor.

I also know there were times when I was accused of being a victim and accused of being a survivor. The accusation of victimhood was that I was wallowing in self-pity and inertia and that the toxic combo of self-pity and inertia would cause me to stay rooted in an uninspired identity. The accusation of survivorhood was a bit more complicated; it was based on the idea that survivorhood implied previous victimhood, which was (like mentioned just a sentence before) was shameful. 

The accusations caused me to wonder who or what was driving my life narrative.

It got to the point where I wasn't sure what to refer to myself as, especially as more time passed and I was further away from the events that triggered the feeling of being victimized. It was then that I understood that there is a third step on the path of dramatic life change -- that of Inspired Identity.

Recently, I read an article about the victim/survivor discourse being shaped by the use of those two vocabulary words: "victim" and "survivor". In the article, "'Survivor’ Versus ‘Victim’: Why Choosing Your Words Carefully Is Important". Gwendolyn Wu writes,

"Empowering yourself in the context of a traumatic and life-changing experience is definitely not as easy as making a linguistic switch. However, making this vocabulary switch can impact the healing process in a positive way for some."

There is definitely a place for seeing oneself as a victim of another's aggression and abuse. An understanding of being a victim allows us to take action -- to see the contrast between what is and isn't appropriate for us to accept. Being a victim lets us say, "It's time to get help".

There is also a time when it's important to consider ourselves survivors. That time comes when the threat of imminent abuse is over and we have taken concrete physical and emotional steps to mitigate its effects and prevent its recurrence. At that point, we have survived the worst of it and made a decision to move forward. We have survived.

Then comes the third step: Creating an Inspired Identity.

I think of this step as being the time when, instead of saying "I'm a victim" or "I'm a survivor", you can simply say, "I'm a _______________". In my case, it's "I'm a therapist, writer, business owner". It can be whoever you have become as a result of who you have been.

I AM A:
mom
partner
manager
friend
pastor
community leader
employee
student
traveler
inspiration

...you get the idea. Your identity becomes yours and not an identity based on foiling someone else's bad actions. Being a victim at one point in your life doesn't set you up for a simple dichotomy for the rest of it. There isn't a switch between just victim or just survivor. You are on a path that includes much more.

For more information on moving through an Everlasting Divorce and creating an Inspired Identity, join me at www.touchingtrees.com. There you will find a survey that lets you get a FREE analysis of your situation, as well as loads more information and support. You can also share your story at Minnesota Post-Divorce Support.