Foot Surgery: A Weird Metaphor for Working on Your Relationship

If you read my blog, well…ever...you know I love to compare things and find the shared meaning. Dang if this one doesn't work perfectly.

Starting about ten years ago, I'd limp into a podiatrist or orthopedic surgeon's office every couple of years to have someone, anyone, look at my foot and get me some relief from the pain in the ball of it. For nine of those years, they said they weren't quite sure what was wrong with it--probably a little overuse, probably a little arthritis, but try wearing sensible shoes, wearing orthotic shoe inserts, taking ibuprofen, blah, blah, blah.

If that isn't a metaphor for living with some undefined, and occasionally painful, issue in your relationship, I'm not sure what is.

Last year, I started walking and hiking a lot more than usual. Over time, that same aggravated area got even more painful, even more swollen, even more red, and took even more time to return to normal after using it. 

It was like having a relationship crisis. The turning away in bed at night, the silent scowls, and the terse text responses. The complaining about the relationship to close friends, the searching online for something...answers, the right questions to ask, a connection from high school, or a new hairstyle or workout routine. The affair.

I found some possible answers for my foot issue online and sought out a specialist. Within a short time after looking at my X-rays and manipulating my toe joints, he had an answer. This foot needed surgery. It wasn't like I needed the procedure yesterday, but I needed it soon or the joint would be irreparable, stiff, and unmoving. It would cause daily, low-level irritation.

Seriously, I'm not even going to spell out how that translates to relationship stuff because it's SO OBVIOUS.

Enter the surgery. I got a synthetic cartilage implant (e.g. therapeutic intervention) and a bone realignment (e.g. emotional insight!).

I went into it perfectly ambulatory and functioning well enough. I came out of it with a blue cast on my foot, instructions to take five different medications on some schedule that my post-anesthesia brain couldn't track, a pair of crutches, a scooter, a temporary disabled parking pass, and a lot of unknowns. Like, how was I going to navigate midnight bathroom breaks? How quickly could I go back to work? How much was it going to hurt after the meds wore off? Would I gain weight or muscle? 

So many unknowns. A drastic change.

Then the pain and the gravity of what I'd done set in and, much like the arc of perceived therapeutic benefit dips after the first few sessions, my certainty about the decision to have surgery waned after day five. I hated the crutches. I hated the scooter almost more. I hated the rubber leg condom I had to carefully pull over my heavy and sore foot. I hated standing on my good leg for almost everything. I hated working up a tremendous sweat just trying to get dressed or undressed. I hated trying to remember where to put my crutches so they were handy while I transitioned from the scooter. I HATED trying to get into the garage and pack things in my car. Hop, hop, hop, hop, hop, hop, hop. 

Regarding couples therapy, one of a handful of things happens when the couple hits that point in their work. They outright quit ("That therapist didn't know anything. What a waste."). They take a break ("I have a work conference come up and we're going to need to skip the next few weeks."). 

And, sometimes, they stick it out, cry, get angry, and push through the tough questions they have to ask themselves and each other. They start to trust the process and do their at-home work. 

Okay, with foot surgery, you don't have a lot of options to quit or fade away. But they trust is hard to come by...

Day 15: There's no way my incision will ever be anything but a crumpled, scabby eyesore. I'll never bend my toe again--OMG SOMETHING MUST HAVE GONE TERRIBLY WRONG!

Day 32: I think I'll go dancing, post-surgical boot and all. I can't wait until day 42 when I can wear a real shoe again! Life is great! What hiking trips can we take this summer?

ALL of this is to say that the process of getting a foot surgery that is needed, but not critically so, during a time that is somewhat less inconvenient than other times (that's to say, no time was convenient to be off my foot for four weeks), depicts crazy-well the process of seeking help for a relationship: 

Something's off, but no one's having an affair yet; it's really hard to fit counseling sessions into work/school/extracurriculars/travel/self-care time/gym workouts, etc. 

But in the end...what if getting help was worth it? What if things get much better?

I'll let know about the foot surgery in two more weeks or so. As for working on your relationship? That's up to you to decide. :-)

P.s. Don’t forget—feet work independently, but they work best in relationship with the other foot, right?

"It's That Time of the Year Again": Recognizing Emotionally Important Seasons

Every fall, I'm like "Oh, I LOVE FALL!!" I love the leaf mess, the last bonfire wisps, and the hint of chill that allows me to sleep with the window open. But, every spring, I'm like "I love Spring SO MUCH!" I can never quite wait to get into the garden or to will the perennials to poke their heads through some dirty snow. Summer and winter...sorry, I'm not so in love with you, although I definitely like you a lot.

I've noticed another time of year that gives me feelings, though. It's mid-August to mid-September. In Minnesota, it's that no-person's time between summer and fall, so I don't necessarily have a socially coherent smell or sight to associate with it. Instead, I have the memories of leaving, moving, starting new, changing, comforting, struggling, coping, failing, hoping, and wishing things were different at the same time I was wishing them to be better.

Those memories are tied to a few other things besides time of year, too. There are Daughtry songs that still, eight years later, cause me to tear up or get pissed. There are Evanescence songs that still pour strength into me and remind me of how much emotional landscape I've crossed. There are certain events, like the first day of school, that I had to learn to share differently. Then there's my daughter's birthday, the first one I ever had to navigate as a separated person.

I'm assuming that other people have these times, too. I assume there are times that remind us of when someone was born, when someone else died, or when something amazing or tragic happened in our lives. So I'm wondering, how do you head into those times of the year? Do you dread them? Do you take time to acknowledge what you're experiencing so many years later? Has it even been years or is it still fresh and palpable?

For a few years, I was definitely in the dread camp. I wanted to enjoy that summer-fall conjunction, but just couldn't quite get there. It was fraught with re-experiences of anger and sadness and fear. Inevitably, I'd hear the song September and all the old stuff would wash over me.

Over time, though, I've learned to sit with the feelings when they come. I tell them I see them, that I can honor where they've been. I also try to make new memories that hopefully, over time, can provide a new resonance and perspective.

How do you experience residual feelings that are tied to events in your life? Definitely share the good ones, but also know that it's okay to share the not-as-good-to-downright-awful-ones, too.

www.touchingtrees.com
jennimcmc@touchingtrees.com

Warrior Princess

This poem is dedicated to those who have tried (and often failed) to get the upper hand in controlling relationships. 

Warrior Princess

She stands ready,

Majestic in her resolve.

Drums beat in her ears

And under her silver-chained armor.

Behind a shield

Deployed in the form of a well-crafted smile,

Armament is cocked and fused.

She believes she can survive this onslaught.

Shimmering eyes, hard as river pebbles

Scan for disturbances.

Danger always comes when she appears most confident.

So she waits,

A drop of sweat agitates her scalp

Like a purposeful louse.

The adversary waits also.

He prefers to watch her first from afar --

Assessing her strength,

Inhaling her beauty.

When the time comes

To attack,

He pretends to lose ground

In the face of her surgically-placed accusations and

Strategically-inserted revelations.

She thinks she’s winning.

And it exposes her twin weaknesses of

Compassion and Guilt.

Faced with eliminating him completely,

The Warrior Princess squanders her advantage.

“Are you going to be okay?” she asks.

Finally, the kill.

“No,” he answers. 

In victory, one hand travels to her noble cheek

And the other beckons her waist.

© Jennifer McBride, Cape of Leaves
For more information: www.touchingtrees.com

To order Cape of Leaves, click here.

"Renewed strength...comes alive"

Royalty

Look at the towering aspens

On this frigid December day.

Their frosty tops, like the heads of

A whole colony of ancient royalty,

Are gray and fuzzy like

Self-inflicted permanent waves

Gone mad.

Yet they still seem regal in their

Sameness and their

Solidarity.

But now, the low-skied morning sun

That was causing curly twigs

To glow as if with silver crowns

Has instigated a grand melt.

Even as we watch, the crystals that

Decorated them and

Named them as

Kings and Queens

Have begun to weep

And seep down their limbs.

Eyes made wise by years of reigning

Stare from trunks

Refusing to blink the tears

Out of their lashes.

Instead they let the fresh new water

Run down each wrinkle and crack

Toward its loam-blanketed destination.

Because,

With liquid offering

Poured on throne steps,

Renewed strength to

Rule another season or two

Comes alive.

© Jennifer McBride, Cape of Leaves

For more information: www.touchingtrees.com

To order Cape of Leaves, click here.

Cape of Leaves

A few years ago, I found myself in a period of intense, immense, invigorating, and terrifying growth. During that time, one of my many coping mechanisms was to write...and write...and write. I didn't journal so much as I wrote in metaphor, sometimes turning the metaphor into a chapter and sometimes turning it into a poem.

For the next few Fridays, I'll be posting some of the poems that I think speak most to people who are in relationship transition. They are meant to be starting points for discussion, even if it's just a discussion with yourself.

Now that I'm a therapist, I see clients benefit from writing, journaling, making or participating in music, meditating, exercising, and taking care of themselves by committing to their futures. How are you giving yourself the care you need?

If you're in a tough relationship transition right now, or haven't fully completed one that you experienced before, let me know. In the meantime, take good care of yourself!

To order my book, Cape of Leaves, click here.

For more information: www.touchingtrees.com

Thank You, Anxiety

In recent weeks, I've had the opportunity to talk to quite a few people about thanking or being grateful to the emotions they most wish they didn't feel.

"I hate when I get this way," I've heard. And I understand. We all carry these parts of us around that we wish we could undo or do differently.

Personally, I hate that I get super anxious when other members of my family walk the dog. "You aren't keeping him close enough! He'll lunge at that person walking toward us! He won't learn to walk well for me if everyone else lets him do what he wants!"

I hate that I worry what other people in the Target parking lot will think if I'm parked with my blinker on waiting for a spot. "Am I in their way? Are they going to honk? Do they think I'm selfish?"

See how that goes? That anxiety is annoying, time-consuming, and often completely unnecessary. I can't stand it when it happens because it makes me want to avoid walking the dog as a family or going to Target during busy times. So much of the time I'm torn between the actual anxiety and my frustration WITH the anxiety.

**Alannis Morrisette's "Thank U" -- an anthem to thanking those things we really don't want to...(click link to play/watch)

When people I work with share parts of themselves that they dislike, or even loathe, I find myself looking for the protective purpose that emotion is serving. Is the over-thinking all night long protecting you from missing something that could throw your whole next day off? Is it protecting you by covering all the bases? Is the nervousness you feel when you're in a room full of people you don't know protecting you from being judged or rejected?

When relationships are in crisis and at risk of breaking, those parts of ourselves that we like the least get activated the most. They do that because they are trying to protect us from further hurt or rejection. But, sometimes their efforts backfire and exacerbate the very situation we were trying to avoid--so we get mad at the part that tried to protect us.

Consider those times when you've been upset about something your partner did, but your worry about conflict caused you to keep it all inside. By trying to protect you from the conflict, your worry has given you a secret you now have to caretake. And, because you have a secret you're keeping from your partner, you're likely to pull away...which can cause more conflict. At the end of all that, you find yourself mad that you're conflict-averse and judge yourself for not being more forthright.

**

What I've begun doing for myself and recommending to others is really simple but counter-intuitive.

Consider how that emotion is trying to protect you. Then thank it for its service.

You'll be amazed at how quickly the tension in your mind and body goes down and how much relief you feel. Thank you, anger. Thank you, depression. Thank you, anxiety. Thank you, conflict-averseness. Thank you, social fear....

If you try this at home (which you CAN!), I'm curious how it turned out for you. Feel free to comment on this post or send me your thoughts at jennimcmc@touchingtrees.com. You can also find me on Facebook.

Adventure Connection

This past weekend I had the opportunity to hang out with two smart, funny, engaging women for nine driving hours, five meals, three hours of full-on adventure, and (at least) two bags of salty snacks.

Our particular exploit included a fake run-for-the-Canadian-border (since we were a mere 45 minutes from the actual border and we had access to some empty woods) and a whole lot of documenting photos. We planned the whole adventure, from pre-trip photos setting up the story, to hand-printed signs on the only paper we had available to us (yellow-lined note paper), to post-escape pleas for bail money.

It was imagination and exhilaration...and created a one-moment-in-time connection for the three of us.

And, it all got me thinking about how many opportunities we have for adventure (not very many), but how rewarding the connection can be if we take a chance.

You may have recently received an invitation from a Facebook friend or an email mailing list to participate in something civic-minded. It might have been to support a cause that aligns with your values. It might have been to express your position on current events.

If you're like me, you've considered whether you should participate because...well, there will be strangers there. And you might wonder if your friends or family will think you're weird. And you don't know if you have time because there are so many other obligations.

I would encourage you, though, to stretch and challenge yourself to participate. Think of it as an adventure. (Never ridden public transportation? Never walked in the street when you're not supposed to? Never just gone to a museum or a restaurant to try something new?)

The connections we can make with others who are also out adventuring can be life-changing. The connections we make within ourselves can be invaluable. When's the last time you listened to that part of yourself that wants to just be silly? When's the last time you calmed your anxiety and took a plunge anyway?

You don't need to have a lot of free time to create an adventure. You just have to be willing to step outside your schedule and your roles. And make a run for it...

Using Insurance for Couples Therapy? Here are 4 Considerations

In terms of mental health, the Affordable Care Act provided individuals one really important benefit: coverage. And not just coverage, but benefits that were on par with the benefits one could receive for medical health issues. In other words, the ACA finally allowed people with mental illness to a) get insurance (because they couldn't be denied for a pre-existing condition), b) pay reasonable charges for services, and c) not be charged more in premiums because of a mental health condition (see this page for more info).

 That was all excellent news for people who needed to seek therapy or medication to help with mental, behavioral, or mood disorders.

However, by equating mental health services with medical services, the system became a little sticky for couples. After all, how do you diagnose a couple who is having problems, say, communicating? 

There are four considerations a couple should take into account before they use their insurance for therapy.

1) One of you has to get diagnosed with something. That's the way insurance works. For a provider to get reimbursed by your insurance company, they have to "prove" that there's a need for their services. This is done by submitting a diagnosis to insurance. Currently, the medical codes that pertain to relationship work are not generally reimbursable. Hmmm. That means that one of you has to get diagnosed with a mental disorder in order for your provider to get paid.

2) The partner who is most distressed is more likely to get diagnosed. It may be that you're losing your marbles because you just found out your partner has been cheating on you. It could be that you're angry beyond belief that you your partner has drained your bank account to fund a friend's business. In many couples who seek therapy, one partner is considerably more distressed than the other, thereby looking more disordered. Despite the fact that one partner is reacting to the conflict created by the other partner, the reactor is usually going to get the diagnosis.

3) If you break up, the diagnosis doesn't go away. Although mental illness diagnoses can be temporary, they often aren't treated that way. So, if you're upset and anxious because of your relationship AND get diagnosed with depression or anxiety, that diagnosis is in your medical history forever. Of course, so are the two UTIs and spells of bronchitis you had in the last five years, but there's an understanding that those were cured. "Curing" a mental illness is not as measurable as checking a urine sample or reporting that your cough has gone away, so its presence isn't discounted as easily.

4) A diagnosis can be used against you, intentionally or not. There are a few ways this can happen. a) In the most horrible, worst-case scenario, your and your partner break up and your partner wants...custody, the house, your IRA, etc. and uses your diagnosis of depression or anxiety (or whatever else) to pressure you or the courts to grant them something. 

b) In a lesser worst-case scenario, your diagnosis can limit your ability to get life insurance at a later date. True story: a woman I know had to pay extra in life insurance premiums because she was diagnosed with depression while going through her divorce. In order to petition to have her rates lowered, she had to not mention any sort of emotional distress to her doctor for at least a year.

c) In just a who-woulda-thunk scenario, you and your partner stay together after therapy (which is great!), but there is a shift in the power differential between you because one of you has been labeled less fit to handle the stress of conflict in the relationship.

Many couples who seek therapy just want good help--at a good price--as soon as possible. Usually "at a good price" seems, on the surface, like the same thing as "using insurance", but it may not be. If you or someone you know is thinking about seeking therapy for a relationship issue, you might want to think about the non-monetary costs of incurring a diagnosis.

Things to ask a therapist about insurance:

1) How will you determine who gets diagnosed?

2) Will you take a cash payment (or even a discounted cash payment) instead of submitting to my insurance?

3) In your experience, does my insurance company manage treatment in terms of number of sessions, type of therapy, etc?

What is Closure...Really?

A quick look-up of the word "closure" as it relates to psychology shows that closure is when you take something that is ambiguous or not-understood and find a resolution to it. In that sense, closure can be minimized as a simple question  ---->  answer process.

Relationship closure is a whole different beast, though. Ambiguity in a relationship, particularly one that's in crisis, can last for years and have many different layers. There are questions about the other, such as:

** Why is he/she acting like that?
** Is there someone else?
** Is my partner cheating/mentally ill/physically ill/stressed out?

And there are ambiguous questions about ourselves, such as:

** What did I do to cause this?
** Is it my fault?
** Could I have been better/sexier/funnier/richer/more attractive?
** What could I have done to make this relationship work?

The interplay of all of those unknowns can make it really challenging to find "closure" in any real sense of the word. How can you achieve closure when you're not sure if maybe you could have done something to prevent your relationship from falling apart?

In my work with pre-divorce/divorcing/and post-divorce individuals and couples, there is a palpable belief that closure can happen and it can happen in such a way as to make people feel better. As an optimist, I do believe closure can occur and it can be a relief. I also think of that type of closure as an "ideal" closure.

As a realist, I think we need to explore that a more "baseline" closure may happen instead and that baseline closure may have to suffice for awhile.

Recently, I was asked what word I would use that means the same thing as closure. I couldn't think of just one. Instead, I thought that closure (particularly baseline closure) is a mixture of 1) acceptance of the things that happened, 2) hope for the future, and 3) forward motion toward change.

Accepting what's happened isn't necessarily finding answers, but it's the acknowledgement that answers may not be found. In couples where one partner wants to know "WHY?" and the other partner still has ambiguity about that very same thing, answers won't be forthcoming. So, accepting that something happened and can't be changed is really that first step toward closure.

Secondly, developing or rekindling hope for the future is key to finding closure. If you can't envision a future for yourself that holds something positive, you won't move past needing to understand the "why" of your situation. You'll be constantly trying to find "the answer" because it feels like the answer has to come before the hope.

Finally, forward motion is the process of acting on your hope. Forward motion means making one change, or a whole bunch of changes, that propel you toward your positive vision of what the future will look like.

If you're in the process of trying to find closure, which stage best describes where you are right now? If you've achieved closure, how did you do it? What were the pivotal moments that told you that you'd gotten to where you needed to be?

Please feel free to email your responses or post them on this blog. You can reach me at jennimcmc@touchingtrees.com. You can also check out my website at www.touchingtrees.com for more information about achieving closure within relationships.

Victim + Survivor = Inspired Identity

As someone who has lived through some tough emotional times before, during, and after a relationship break-up, I know there were points when I considered myself a victim and points when I considered myself a survivor.

I also know there were times when I was accused of being a victim and accused of being a survivor. The accusation of victimhood was that I was wallowing in self-pity and inertia and that the toxic combo of self-pity and inertia would cause me to stay rooted in an uninspired identity. The accusation of survivorhood was a bit more complicated; it was based on the idea that survivorhood implied previous victimhood, which was (like mentioned just a sentence before) was shameful. 

The accusations caused me to wonder who or what was driving my life narrative.

It got to the point where I wasn't sure what to refer to myself as, especially as more time passed and I was further away from the events that triggered the feeling of being victimized. It was then that I understood that there is a third step on the path of dramatic life change -- that of Inspired Identity.

Recently, I read an article about the victim/survivor discourse being shaped by the use of those two vocabulary words: "victim" and "survivor". In the article, "'Survivor’ Versus ‘Victim’: Why Choosing Your Words Carefully Is Important". Gwendolyn Wu writes,

"Empowering yourself in the context of a traumatic and life-changing experience is definitely not as easy as making a linguistic switch. However, making this vocabulary switch can impact the healing process in a positive way for some."

There is definitely a place for seeing oneself as a victim of another's aggression and abuse. An understanding of being a victim allows us to take action -- to see the contrast between what is and isn't appropriate for us to accept. Being a victim lets us say, "It's time to get help".

There is also a time when it's important to consider ourselves survivors. That time comes when the threat of imminent abuse is over and we have taken concrete physical and emotional steps to mitigate its effects and prevent its recurrence. At that point, we have survived the worst of it and made a decision to move forward. We have survived.

Then comes the third step: Creating an Inspired Identity.

I think of this step as being the time when, instead of saying "I'm a victim" or "I'm a survivor", you can simply say, "I'm a _______________". In my case, it's "I'm a therapist, writer, business owner". It can be whoever you have become as a result of who you have been.

I AM A:
mom
partner
manager
friend
pastor
community leader
employee
student
traveler
inspiration

...you get the idea. Your identity becomes yours and not an identity based on foiling someone else's bad actions. Being a victim at one point in your life doesn't set you up for a simple dichotomy for the rest of it. There isn't a switch between just victim or just survivor. You are on a path that includes much more.

For more information on moving through an Everlasting Divorce and creating an Inspired Identity, join me at www.touchingtrees.com. There you will find a survey that lets you get a FREE analysis of your situation, as well as loads more information and support. You can also share your story at Minnesota Post-Divorce Support.

5 Reasons Why You Still Fight With Your Ex

When you're in an Everlasting Divorce, or a relationship that is based on high-conflict even though you're officially separated, you might wonder, "Why is this happening?!" "Why won't he/she leave me alone?!" These are common questions you might ask yourself each time a new conflict arises.

One key to moving beyond an Everlasting Divorce is getting some clarity on why it's occurring in the first place. There are 5 reasons why you and your ex are stuck in this stressful situation.

1) Inability to disengage: One mantra from the couple's therapy world is, "Do you want to be right or do you want to be done?" This refers to the idea that you can fight about being right, which just maintains the status quo of conflict and anger. OR, you can decided that it's not as important to be right as it is to be DONE. Being done means that you refuse to argue or respond, even when you KNOW you're right.

2) Personality traits: A lot of people who are in an Everlasting Divorce have used the internet to determine that their ex has a personality disorder. In an attempt to figure out the WHY of it all, they figure out the BLAME of it all -- the other person. Definitely, people who exhibit traits of a personality disorder can be extremely difficult to detach from. One thing you should know, though, is that personality disorders can only be diagnosed by a mental health professional (ta-da!) and only if the "disordered" person comes in for that evaluation...which most don't. So, if your ex is showing signs of a potential personality disorder, that's important information to have because it can help you determine the best ways to work with them to move forward, but it's not a diagnosis that lays all the blame at her/his feet.

3) Attachment issues: When we're babies, we attach to a primary care giver. If that attachment is disrupted in some way and another adequate attachment is not formed, a person can have attachment issues. These may show up in ED as "control issues" because one of you is having difficulty with the feeling of rejection or abandonment that can occur with an Everlasting Divorce.

4) Caretaking: Sometimes this is also called "overfunctioning". If one of you has always taken care of the other, that's a really hard habit to break because the caretaker's sense of self is tied to being helpful. Maintaining a caretaking pattern of reminding someone about bills, making appointments for them, cooking for them, etc. keeps the relationship close, and it also can create resentments and anger.

5) Boundary issues: We hear a lot about "boundaries", but what that means in an Everlasting Divorce is that one or both of you aren't either creating adequate boundaries for yourself or respecting the boundaries of the other person. That might look like one person trying to make rules at the other parent's house. It might take the form of checking Facebook to see who your ex is dating...those kinds of things.

There's a lot of overlap in the potential causes of Everlasting Divorce. Taking a good, hard look at which (or how many) of those potential causes are at work in you ED can be a great first step toward making a change.

For more information, or to make an appointment to talk more about this, please go to www.touchingtrees.com or email Jenni at jennimcmc@touchingtrees.com. 

Discern THIS! Why Discernment Counseling Might Just Be What Your Struggling Marriage Needs

Discernment Counseling is a revolutionary new way to approach couples in trouble. It involves less of the emotional vulnerability needed for couples therapy and also less of the conflict we see in divorce mediation. 

Instead, Discernment Counseling meets a couple where they currently are: trying to decide whether to keep plugging away or move on. This type of counseling is perfect for couples in which one partner wants to stay in the marriage (the Leaning In partner) and one partner may be thinking about leaving the marriage (the Leaning Out partner). We call those "mixed agenda" couples because each partner is considering something different.

There are some key features of Discernment Counseling that may appeal to a couple in distress.

"Discernment counseling differs from regular marriage counseling in three ways: 

a) the goal is not to solve problems in the relationship, but to figure out whether the problems can be solved; 

b) the process involves mainly individual conversations with each partner, since they each have different needs and agendas, and 

c) it is always short term." (Most Discernment Counseling processes only last 1-5 sessions!)

What's really lovely about Discernment Counseling is that it takes certain pressures off of the couple -- like the pressure to fake their way through therapy, the pressure to end the marriage cold turkey, or the pressure to figure it all out by themselves. 

The Discernment Counseling therapist walks each partner through a series of questions and discussions that help the partners choose what's best for them individually, as well as for their marriage.

At the end of a Discernment Counseling process, each partner has to choose one of three things:

1) We are going to keep things just how they are and not do anything new.

2) W are going to separate and begin the process of ending our relationship.

3) We are going to commit to 6 months of intensive couples therapy in order to try to resolve our differences and save our marriage.

With both the second and third options, the couple can save themselves tons of time and money by going through Discernment Counseling first. 

If they decide to separate, they are ahead of the game because they have each begun the process of finding themselves as individuals. If they decide to try couples therapy, they have identified the key issues that must be addressed immediately in order to save the relationship.

For more information, please check out:

http://www.touchingtrees.com/discernment-counseling

www.discernmentcounseling.com

And, if you have any questions, please don't hesitate to call me at 612-888-2522 or email me at jennimcmc@touchingtrees.com.

** If this doesn't apply to you, but might be useful for someone you know, please feel free to pass it along!

Conscious Uncoupling vs. Everlasting Divorce: 3 Differences, 1 Huge Similarity

As I've researched the causes and effects of Everlasting Divorce, I came upon what seemed like the perfect de-coupling process: Conscious Uncoupling. Coined by Katherine Woodward Thomas, Conscious Uncoupling seems the antithesis of all we've learned about the messiness and sadness of divorce. Using CU, people can detach peacefully, mindfully, and with their respect for themselves and their ex-partner intact.

According to Thomas's article in Mind Body Green, "The goal of a conscious uncoupling is not necessarily the restoration of justice, the attainment of restitution, or the vindication of being right. The goal of a conscious uncoupling is simply to be free. And there is no more powerful action to turn a difficult situation in a harmonious direction than a generous gesture of authentic loving-kindness." 

I realized after reading this that breaking-up couples all really have one big thing in common -- they have made a decision to have a self-defined FREEDOM. Maybe it's freedom from an abusive situation, freedom from pre-defined roles, freedom from imbalance, freedom from financial co-ownership, or even a spiritual freedom.

Where some couples get stuck, though, is in the other three things Thomas mentions:
1) Restoration of justice
2) Attainment of restitution
3) Vindication of being right

That's where couples who are experiencing the Everlasting Divorce are different from those that can uncouple with more ease. 

High-conflict post-divorce couples have at least one person who wants justice, restitution, or vindication. At least one person feels wounded so deeply that, without those three things (sometimes just one, but mostly all three), they cannot move on.

Why would someone feel like that? It seems like it would be easier to just turn around and say, "Forget it". But, if you're someone whose life has been upended by your intimate partner having affairs, mismanaging money, blaming you, gaslighting you and friends, and/or interfering with your parenting relationship, you're probably really angry. Like, down to your soul angry. 

Turning the other cheek may feel like you're slapping your own face. Walking away may feel like you're leaving a whole bundle of your best integrity on your ex's front yard.

Like couples who decide to "consciously" uncouple, individuals in an Everlasting Divorce have choices. Those choices can include finding ways to hold onto hope for justice, restitution, and vindication. Those choices can also include investing in one's own self to find healing and an ability to reframe "dumping your integrity" into "creating new authenticity". 

If you have questions about where you are in the process of post-divorcing your ex, please feel free to call or email me. I can be reached at 612-888-2522 most weekdays and at jennimcmc@touchingtrees.com. 

Also, you can find out more information at www.touchingtrees.com.

#divorce #uncoupling #vindication #therapy #narcissism #marriage #trauma #justice #jennifermcbridemcnamara #touchingtrees

What is an Everlasting Divorce?

A few years ago, I had the opportunity to speak to a group of Minnesota Marriage and Family Therapists about the idea of an Everlasting Divorce, or a divorce that seems to go on long after the papers have been signed and lost in a drawer. A regular divorce is hard enough, we can all agree. But, an Everlasting Divorce takes the stress of divorce and amplifies it.

What are some signs of an Everlasting Divorce?

1) You still experience high anxiety when you have to interact with your ex.

2) You fall back into old patterns of behaving when you have contact with your ex. For instance, you start checking his or her Facebook page or drinking a little more than usual to calm your nerves.

3) You find yourself getting triggered by things that remind you of your ex, maybe a certain restaurant, a song, a favorite food, or seeing a relative or friend.

4) You've tried therapy and it hasn't gotten you to a place where you aren't still "stuck" in the post-divorce drama.

An Everlasting Divorce is one in which neither partner can effectively disengage, whether that's emotionally, physically, or financially. An Everlasting Divorce is the continued struggle for power that occurs after the status quo has been disrupted.

"I think I might be in an Everlasting Divorce. So what? Isn't that how it is for everyone?"

Actually, it may be like that for a lot of people, but it doesn't have to be the norm and it doesn't have to be an inevitability for YOU.

There are a wide range of effects of Everlasting Divorce that you probably would rather not have.

First, your physical self takes a hit. Elevated cortisol (stress hormone) levels can create changes to your brain structure over time, making it harder to sleep, concentrate, or remember.

Your emotional self is definitely affected. You may have difficulty trusting others, you may be sensitive to rejection. You may even have difficulty reconnecting with your own thoughts and emotions.

Financially, you could be at risk because stress may be interfering with your ability to function at work or because you're spending a lot of money on attorneys, mediators, self-help books, or therapies that aren't working for you. Like having a chronic illness, being in an Everlasting Divorce is a long, slow road to dissatisfaction and unhappiness.

A lot of different factors can influence whether a divorce will be Everlasting or not. Sometimes, one partner has traits of a personality disorder, such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder. Sometimes, there is a severe lack of empathy or a trauma that seems overwhelming. Sorting out the reasons for the Everlasting Divorce can be a good first step to overcoming it.

To find out if you might be in an Everlasting Divorce, please feel free to call my office at 612-888-2522 or email me at jennimcmc@touchingtrees.com.


#divorce #anxiety #power #finances #relationship #therapy #happiness #narcissism #borderline #trauma #jennifermcbridemcnamara #touchingtrees