Rocks: A New Way of Looking at Change

"Trees cannot deny the effects of a forest fire. Rocks do not try to hide the smoothness that results from the relentless pounding of waves upon them. Icebergs do not feign being untouched by the rising temperatures of our planet." Chani Nicholas

I read this line just days after crashing my knee into a rock that looked very much like the one above, except pointier. At the time I read it, I didn't have much love for rocks, let me tell you.

But, as someone who has done a lot of reflection about trees (TouchingTrees, anyone?), I realized that I've probably spent far too little time reflecting on those things that I've often taken for granted...or even cursed, as in the case of landscape rock or rocks that trip me while hiking.

This was quite the epiphany for me: Rocks gain their shape and their character by endless exposure to wind and water. They get rock-wrinkles from the trauma they endure. They split and they crumble, and yet some remain solid and unmoveable. In so many ways, they are metaphors for the tumbled existence we all have.

The tree metaphor is a great way to describe flexible reactions to change. Trees bend in the wind, they experience seasons, they grow, and they lose limbs. They whisper and they cry. Some scientists even say they communicate with each other through neural pathways connected by their roots.

Rocks, though...rocks provide a different metaphor for change. Rocks endure. Rocks reach with patience, and a gradual acceptance, towards change. In some situations, rocks are the epitome of zen--they are in oneness with all that goes on around them, however it may shape them.

Unless they are smashed, of course. Then they react swiftly and decidedly and serve a different narrative. The rocks that break on impact, that disintegrate into sand...those rocks are proof that trauma can create something new and unique.

When we have troubled relationships, applying a metaphor to our situation can be really helpful. As you are in the middle of upheaval, thinking of yourself as a tree bolsters your trust in the ability to bend without breaking, to recover and grow. After a difficult time that's, perhaps, left scars or lasted for a very long time, it may be helpful to think of your changed essence as the smoothness caused by enduring through trouble or the newness caused by tremendous impact.

We're entering a season that brings us outdoors more than at other times of the year. The next time you have a moment to reflect, see if you can find a rock whose story seems to be like your own. Maybe it's one that's been worn smooth, or one that's grown cracked, or even one that's gained beautiful and sharp edges. 

Feel free to share your rock story in the comments below or email me at jennimcmc@touchingtrees.com. I look forward to hearing from you!

www.touchingtrees.com

Thank You, Anxiety

In recent weeks, I've had the opportunity to talk to quite a few people about thanking or being grateful to the emotions they most wish they didn't feel.

"I hate when I get this way," I've heard. And I understand. We all carry these parts of us around that we wish we could undo or do differently.

Personally, I hate that I get super anxious when other members of my family walk the dog. "You aren't keeping him close enough! He'll lunge at that person walking toward us! He won't learn to walk well for me if everyone else lets him do what he wants!"

I hate that I worry what other people in the Target parking lot will think if I'm parked with my blinker on waiting for a spot. "Am I in their way? Are they going to honk? Do they think I'm selfish?"

See how that goes? That anxiety is annoying, time-consuming, and often completely unnecessary. I can't stand it when it happens because it makes me want to avoid walking the dog as a family or going to Target during busy times. So much of the time I'm torn between the actual anxiety and my frustration WITH the anxiety.

**Alannis Morrisette's "Thank U" -- an anthem to thanking those things we really don't want to...(click link to play/watch)

When people I work with share parts of themselves that they dislike, or even loathe, I find myself looking for the protective purpose that emotion is serving. Is the over-thinking all night long protecting you from missing something that could throw your whole next day off? Is it protecting you by covering all the bases? Is the nervousness you feel when you're in a room full of people you don't know protecting you from being judged or rejected?

When relationships are in crisis and at risk of breaking, those parts of ourselves that we like the least get activated the most. They do that because they are trying to protect us from further hurt or rejection. But, sometimes their efforts backfire and exacerbate the very situation we were trying to avoid--so we get mad at the part that tried to protect us.

Consider those times when you've been upset about something your partner did, but your worry about conflict caused you to keep it all inside. By trying to protect you from the conflict, your worry has given you a secret you now have to caretake. And, because you have a secret you're keeping from your partner, you're likely to pull away...which can cause more conflict. At the end of all that, you find yourself mad that you're conflict-averse and judge yourself for not being more forthright.

**

What I've begun doing for myself and recommending to others is really simple but counter-intuitive.

Consider how that emotion is trying to protect you. Then thank it for its service.

You'll be amazed at how quickly the tension in your mind and body goes down and how much relief you feel. Thank you, anger. Thank you, depression. Thank you, anxiety. Thank you, conflict-averseness. Thank you, social fear....

If you try this at home (which you CAN!), I'm curious how it turned out for you. Feel free to comment on this post or send me your thoughts at jennimcmc@touchingtrees.com. You can also find me on Facebook.

Four Axes of Connection: Places to Look When You Need Someone On Your Side

If you happen to be in a relationship that is close to breaking apart or has already broken, you may find yourself feeling lonely and worrying about being alone. The loss of our lover, companion, spouse, or friend leaves a hole in our lives. Whether it was our choice or not, we miss at least something about that person we shared language with, that person who knows us best.

It's at this point in the breakup process that it becomes super important to connect with others.

As part of the sequence of recovery from a relationship breakup, connecting to others helps provide grounding and support. It can be the first thing you need and one of the first things you do: you reach out to someone you know to tell them the news. 

If you picture yourself stretching your arms out to the sides, that's the axis of present-time connection. It's connection to peers, family, and support professionals (like a therapist). Many people find a lot of value in present-time connection. You've got people in your life to bring you a meal, text you some words of encouragement, or help with childcare or financial concerns. If you can identify even a person or two right now that you trust, connecting with them is important.

However, you might feel like you don't have a lot of friends or supporters you can lean on; your family might not be nearby or understanding. It could also be that your partner was the one with more present-time connections.

For many reasons, it might not feel possible to make sideways connections. Luckily, there are three more directions you can look in.

When I got divorced, I found that it was important to look inward and connect on the internal axis. In other words, I needed to find out who I was separate from my partner and the roles I played in that relationship and our social/family circles. Internal connection may be easy for some people; they have a strong sense of identity and are confident in their persona. For others, this internal connection can take months or years, or it may never be a priority or a possibility.

The third axis, the re-connection axis, is one I have some very recent experience with. In the last month, three different people that I had three very different relationships with have popped back into my life. One came via LinkedIn and the two others came via Facebook, which reminds me the power of social media. One gave me a chance to see that the person has had a really fulfilling life since I knew them. Another gave me a chance to show them that I've had some really great things happen to me. The third gave me an opportunity to apologize for something and help with something else.

I don't know how far into the future any of those three connections will go, but they might turn into long-term re-connections. One thing I do know is they all provided me with a chance to revisit who I was in the past and compare her to who I am now. They helped me connect with people and a time that was once very important to me.

The last axis of connection involves looking forward. It can seem daunting and difficult to try to cultivate connections in the future when you're so necessarily focused on the past (What went wrong? What could I have done differently? Is this my fault? Did I fail?). Think about the value, though. If somehow you're not connecting well in the present and you don't want to connect with the past, combining a connection with yourself with a connection to future people can be just what you need in order to weather this breakup. Finding new people for your future can include signing up for classes, joining a faith community, moving to a new neighborhood, or increasing your involvement with your children. 

What about you? Who are you connected to?

Think about your situation. Considering all four axes of connection: Which one gives you the most support right now? Which one might give you support you're missing? What strategies can you use in order to increase your level of connection to others and yourself?


If you'd like to talk about connection or feel like you could use some professional support, please don't hesitate to call me at 612-888-2522, contact me through my website www.touchingtrees.com or find a reputable, compassionate professional near you.

Toss the Bag of Poop, or...Things You Shouldn't Have to Do When You Break Up

A few weeks ago I noticed a funny thing on the way to work. There was a white plastic bag of poop in the middle of the street. Just sitting there, alone. My thoughts, in order, were: 

** Who drops a bag of poop and doesn't notice?

** How many people have driven by this bag of poop and done nothing?

** How gross would it be to drive over it? And, would it explode like a Taco Bell sauce packet?

** When are the poop-droppers going to get back here and move this lump of turd from the street?

Then I, of course, also drove by it.

And then I drove by it again and again and again, as did all my neighbors and delivery people. No one drove over it. No one moved it. We all just drove by it.

One day, it wasn't in the middle of the street anymore. Someone had taken the time to...well, not throw it away, per se...just move it to the side of the curb. And, they placed it precisely on my property line. 

Was this bag of poop now my responsibility? Was it my next-door neighbor's? Who was playing this game with the poop? WHY DIDN'T THEY JUST THROW IT AWAY??

So, I and all the people on my street drove by it for another week that way--it's thin white plastic handle gently waving in the breeze created by our vehicles scurrying past.

Eventually, I thought: GOOD GOD. Someone has to do something about this bag of poop!!

Then, I realized it could be me. I could be the "someone" who did something about the bag of poop. I didn't want to and I sure didn't think I should have to (it was not MY bag of poop, you know), but I *could* do something about it. So I did.

And then I decided to write about it. 

Why? 

Because I know a lot of people who are dealing with bags of poop in their relationships. Almost every divorcing couple has a bag or two of poop that no one wants to deal with because "it's not fair" and "it's not my fault" and "I didn't make this mess". 

They are right. And, yet...

We often don't make the mess we have to clean up when a relationship goes south. It really can be less our fault than the other person's. It can be incredibly NOT FAIR that we have to deal with it...and it can still be a bag of poop that needs dealt with. 

There's no F for Fairness in a divorce or a breakup. Even if the money and personal property get split fairly and custody is fair and anyone (who isn't actually IN the relationship) can look at the situation, nod, and go "Yeah, that seems fair", it just isn't. It isn't fair that you have to deal with a mess that you may not have contributed equally to. It's not fair that your kids or your friends or your families have to reorganize their lives around your changed relationship.

It isn't fair; it just IS.

Are there any bags of poop lying around in your life that need tending and tossing? Are there any leftover bags of poop from your breakup that *someone* (meaning, probably YOU) just needs to deal with?

If so, knowing full well that it's not fair AT ALL, you may find that it makes sense to plug your nose, squint your eyes, and just dispose of the bag of poop quickly and efficiently because then you won't have that particular bag of poop to deal with any longer.

You'll be one step closer to better.

For more information on how to delicately dispose of or deal with bags of relationship poop, please feel free to call me at 612-888-2522, check out my website at www.touchingtrees.com, or email me at jennimcmc@touchingtrees.com.

The Lost Promise of Fatherhood: Post-Divorce Issues Impact Parenting

I've written a lot about the Everlasting Divorce--the situation that occurs when one or both members of a couple can't just "move on" after a breakup. One of the clear losers in particular types of Everlasting Divorces is the parenting relationship. 

In some cases, mothers struggle with financial and emotional repercussions that either overtly or covertly affect their parenting relationship with their children. Fathers can suffer, too, if their parenting relationship is used against them as a way to maintain the Everlasting Divorce and control the father's behaviors. The following is a story about a father and child whose relationship was negatively impacted by the parents' divorce.

This man lost his promise of fatherhood a few years ago. It was in the back of his car, boxes and boxes of toys, video games, books, projects he and his child made together, and the growth chart he painstakingly marked on each year. As if there were a death in the family, the car load meant the relationship with his child may never include graduation, a wedding, grand-children's births, or something as simple as a beer together on the back porch. 

The load of childhood memories was symbolic in ways the son surely didn't understand when he demanded his belongings from his dad's house and that he may not understand at all until he's a father himself. The boxes weren't just stuff. They were symbols of a commitment of a father to his son: a commitment to love him, to invest time and energy into him, and to provide a good life for him.

You might want to know more about this father.

When I first met him, this man saw his son every other weekend and sometimes for a few hours on the off weeks. He was supposed to have more custody than that. He planned his whole work and social life around his limited time with his son, including isolating himself from his friends, denying himself a love life, leaving the office early every other week, and accommodating his ex-wife's (and, ostensibly, his son's) wishes. 

Those wishes included that he NOT attend his son's ball games, concerts, or school functions and that he give in to any schedule change due to a birthday party or sleepover with friends he, as the unwanted father, wasn't allowed to meet. It included rules around where the father could be during weekly phone calls (he had to be at home, alone) and who could be over at the house on his custody weekends. 

The explicit consequence for not agreeing? He potentially wouldn't see his son at all. For many years, it was a risk he wasn't willing to take. Despite his attempts to comply, though, little by little his parenting time shrunk until it was, at best, one weekend a month. Then one weekend every couple of months.

In the world of Everlasting Divorces, this man was completely enveloped by the process. The divorce wasn't "over"; instead, it was in the forefront of his mind nearly all the time. There wasn't an emotional separation--there was emotional manipulation that caused enmeshment in an unhealthy dynamic. 

Eventually, the father entered a romantic relationship that changed the patterns. You may already know that one of the Realms of Change is the emotional realm. In that realm, little changes in self-confidence and connection can have huge repercussions. In this situation, as the father's romantic situation impacted parts of his life positively, his parenting relationship deteriorated even more.

In other words, the emotional enmeshment was about to be over. The Everlasting Divorce had a termination date, which caused stress to the status quo.

Once it became clear to his ex-wife and son that the father was embarking on a long-term relationship, two things happened. First, on the dad's birthday, while the man sat home alone waiting to be allowed to see his son, the son called and said he didn't want to be forced to come over anymore. Secondly, after several weeks of un-returned phone messages from his dad, the son finally called back and said he wanted all his belongings from their new house. He believed his dad was selfish, disrespectful, demanding, controlling, and thoughtless, and he didn't want to come over any more, ever...unless his dad went back to how he used to be. 

But, as those of us who have made tremendous life changes know, going back into a shell of an existence is impossible.

Shortly after that phone call, the father said goodbye to his son for what ended up being a long time. As he drove away from the pile of cardboard boxes that contained most of their life memories together and the son who wouldn't wave, he wondered, not for the first or last time, what he did to deserve such complete rejection. Hadn't he done everything they asked? Hadn't he always given his son what he wanted, including this, even if it meant not seeing him? Like always, he didn't know the answers. 

*****************************

After many, many months of not seeing his son at all and having virtually no communication with him, the father has begun seeing him 3-4 times a year. The relationship remains tentative and its future is uncertain, but both father and son have indicated a desire to become closer at some point. The future isn't lost, but the past opportunities most certainly are.

While the focus of this story is on the father-son relationship, the effects of the Everlasting Divorce are the real issues. Physically, the son and the parenting relationship were always just out of reach. It wasn't a case of too much proximity; it was a case of too little parenting time. Financially, there were a few years when the dad paid extra child support as a way to honor an agreement he made while the family was intact. There were also a few years when he met his child support obligation before paying his own bills. 

Emotionally...emotionally, it was nearly impossible for the dad to see his self-worth through anything but the lens of the Everlasting Divorce. It was a view that caused him to feel limited and powerless. Emotionally, the father and son are nearly as estranged as is possible.

The effects of small changes can be life-changing.

This story serves as a lesson to others who are stuck in an Everlasting Divorce that uses children to manage the adult relationship. In this case, the lesson is that making changes in himself brought confidence and connection to the father, which could someday be a bridge to a relationship with his son. In other cases, the positive effect on the parenting relationship is more quick and clear to appear.

I think early intervention in the Everlasting Divorce could have helped this family tremendously. I also think an understanding of the Everlasting Divorce dynamic will help mitigate problems for them in the future.

If you'd like to share your story of how kids and parenting relationships were affected by an Everlasting Divorce, I'd love to hear them. You can comment on this post or email me at jennimcmc@ymail.com. You can also message me through my Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/touchingtrees/.

For more information about Everlasting Divorce, including videos about the causes, effects, Realms of Change, and Inspired Identities, please visit www.touchingtrees.com.

Take good care of yourselves and each other.

#fatherhood #everlastingdivorce #divorce #custody

Two Trees: How We Can Keep Moving Forward After a Breakup

Growing end of the oldest Banyan tree on Maui

For the past I-can't-count-how-many-years, I've enjoyed taking pictures of plants. I like to get super close, hold my breath, and try to capture the most intimate details as possible.

As a therapist, it's clear to me that my process is the same: I like to get close to people, see them at their most vulnerable and beautiful, and then reflect back to them their unique identity.

There's just SO MUCH that can be learned about life by studying the metaphors provided by plants, and nothing teaches us as much about ourselves during times of crisis as our friends, the trees.

Breakups just suck. They hurt and are uncomfortable and they require a re-writing of both history and the future. We lose friends, gain friends, lose family, gain freedom... Despite the possibility of something better--a better sense of self, a better relationship, a better future--breakups mean change and change means growth.

Roots working with rock

The Banyan tree grows remarkably fast and sends roots out from nearly everywhere. For some of us, a breakup means that you can be like the Banyan tree--and immediately start reaching out for something different. You can re-install that online dating app; you can apply to grad school or eat what you want on a Thursday night.

You can use your post-breakup time to start digging deeply into your dreams and re-rooting yourself into your newest identity.

The Tamarack handles change a little differently. During the summer, it appears to be just like every other spruce: It has green needles bunched together in such a way as to look lush and soft. In autumn, however, the Tamarack turns yellow, like its neighboring birches, and the needles fall right off.

If you're not the type of person who leaps into single-hood with energy and vigor after a breakup, you might be the kind of person who has to wait until there's an appropriate time to change. Then, you might have to shed the life you had, along with its hopes and plans, and start over. Emotionally, that means you have to take stock and then build yourself back up from a place of raw bareness. 

Of course, I could probably go on all day about tree metaphors and breakups (I so totally could!), but I'm curious what you think.

If you're in a transition period in your own romantic relationship, which kind of tree better describes your reaction? Neither are better than the other; both serve their purpose of decoupling.



If you're struggling in your relationship right now, it's easy to get help (and super beneficial!). Twin Cities readers, feel free to contact me at www.touchingtrees.com or at jennimcmc@touchingtrees.com.

Politics, Post-Divorce: Which Hat Should Your Kids Wear?

You may have heard about the California woman who walked away from her 21-year marriage because her husband said he wanted to vote for Trump. According to Gayle McCormick, the relationship was already on the rocks, and politics was the very, very last straw. "When things are 51 percent good and 49 percent bad, you just stay," she says. "[But] I was just tired and older and I didn't want to argue and neither of us was going to change." I'm going to go out on a limb and say they don't have to worry about talking politics anymore.

College of Liberal Arts & Sciences - University of Iowa

In intact families of origin or creation, discussion of politics can run the range of nonexistent to polarizing. Who among us didn't dread the holiday get-togethers where there was the inevitably wide difference of opinion? Who didn't wonder which drunk family member was going to bring down the carefully crafted facade of congeniality just as soon as the dessert came out? (And don't lie -- who didn't have a side wager as to which drunk relative it would end up being?) 

https://washingtonpost.com

As more and more attention was being paid to the election this past year, one writer in particular looked at the effects of those political discussions on kids.

In September, Cathy Areu, writer for TODAY looked at the relatively simple issue of how to engage kids in social issues without indoctrinating them into a political ideology. "So, I learned my lesson as a politically charged mom who wanted to raise Democrats: talking politics with kids is a good thing. It’s an important thing. But making them into mini-political-me’s is not a good thing." So...yes to engagement, no to brainwashing.

@pussyhatproject

Let's add in a divorce.

Typically, divorced folks don't spend a lot of time worrying about the politics of their exes, but it can come up in a big way when there are other considerations, such as parents pulling their kids into political camps (as Cathy Areu was referring to) or disparaging the ex for politically-held beliefs.

What to do if you find yourself post-divorce and battling for your side of the aisle? 

Here are four suggestions.

1) If your kids are young, keep quiet or keep it simple. "I think this. But your other parent thinks that. Everyone gets to have an opinion." This can also be an ideal time to reiterate that people don't have to agree in order to work together or love their children.

2) If your older kids are already involved in discussions about social issues, remember to ask them what THEY think and challenge them on any beliefs that are just blatant regurgitations of your own. "I know you don't think people should be deported, but WHY do you think that?" Or, "What would be a good reason to let people from everywhere come live in our country?" You'll need to understand that some of what your kids tell you when you open it up like that might be because they heard it at the other house. And, that needs to be okay.

3) Teenagers might need a different tact. For this bunch, you'll want to both instigate the conversation and learn to sit back and listen. Teenagers and young adults are, by necessity and development, practicing what it's like to be "anything-but-my-parents". So, if you're a die-hard Republican, you'll need to shush up and try to understand why, based on their age and experiences, your kids think it's most definitely right to give all kids free lunch and free college. If you're a Democrat, you'll need to bite your lip while they talk about keeping America safe.

4) Discuss, don't argue. Be curious, but don't judge. Certainly DON'T say, "You only believe that because your FATHER/MOTHER believes it!" Also, don't force them to march, protest, jeer at the media, or make fun of people (that last one really just seems like common sense, though, doesn't it?).

https://archive.nyafuu.org/wsr/thread/98507

Okay, it could be that your kids got MAGA hats for Christmas or that your ex is going to crochet everyone a pussy hat for Easter pictures. One key to remember (and remind yourself over and over again if you can't remember it after one try) is that your kids will change their ideas over time, regardless of which hat they have to wear when Grandma and Grandpa come visiting.

Pinterest

Another key is that this is a long-term growth and learning opportunity.

Mostly what you want for your kids is that they grow up to think critically and carefully about their values and beliefs, right? If so, then they need space to puzzle this stuff out for themselves, free from ultimatums about being red or blue or independent or green. Forcing them to be political mini-mees or judging them for being political mini-mees of your ex isn't going to give them that space.

Neither will parading around in your hat 24/7, so go ahead and do that on your off-weekends. :-)


Jenni McBride McNamara, LAMFT, is a therapist who specializes in post-divorce issues, Discernment Counseling, and decoupling. For more information about her Saint Paul practice, check out www.touchingtrees.com.