Shepherd Fly: How I Found Peace in the Buzzing

This past spring and summer, I was fortunate to be able to do quite a bit of hiking. As an exercise, it's my absolute favorite. It's like getting to dance through a movie; each step is carefully choreographed and the views, smells, sounds, and experiences are new and filling.

Many times this past warm hiking season, like in years past, I found myself with an irritant in the form of a fat black fly who was determined to buzz my head and threaten to bite me. In other times, I would have swatted like crazy at that guy, hoping to scare him off so I could get back to being blissful. "How dare he interrupt my forest bath and my communing with Mother Earth?" I'd think. "How dare he claim any stake in my experience?"

This year, though, I chose a different tactic. Not only didn't I swat, I didn't even try to ignore him. I just listened to the buzz and, when no human was listening, talked. I said things like, "I know. You don't really care for me being here. I'm just gonna keep moving on and I'll be out of your hair soon enough. Thanks for hanging out with me."

I didn't get bitten even once by those guys this year. Instead, each one flew around my head, to the right or left side of my shoulder or behind me. They buzzed like crazy. Then, after about twenty steps, each one reversed course and left me alone.

Every time it was quiet again, I wondered, "What was that about?"

Was he my shepherd fly?

Toward the end of the warm season, I reflected on the role my shepherd fly had. He picked up on my presence, tried to warn me away, expressed his frustration and irritation, and eventually let me go. He joined me for part of my hike, and then he wasn't there anymore. I didn't fight him; he didn't bite me.

What a great metaphor. It's easy and clear. The hikes represented all of life, right? Some are short; some are long. Some are easy; some are quite difficult. Some encourage connection; many have difficulty.

What I learned from my shepherd fly is to be patient. And to be respectful. And to trust that the buzzing will stop sooner if I don't make it into a bigger deal than it is. I learned that the buzzing will bother me less if I understand that it comes from a place of protection and fear.

The shepherd fly is both a reminder and a foil. He can be left alone and left behind. I also can tell you that I'm looking forward to applying the lessons learned from my experience of him in other areas of my life.

How about you? Do you have a shepherd fly (either real of metaphorical)?

Warrior Princess

This poem is dedicated to those who have tried (and often failed) to get the upper hand in controlling relationships. 

Warrior Princess

She stands ready,

Majestic in her resolve.

Drums beat in her ears

And under her silver-chained armor.

Behind a shield

Deployed in the form of a well-crafted smile,

Armament is cocked and fused.

She believes she can survive this onslaught.

Shimmering eyes, hard as river pebbles

Scan for disturbances.

Danger always comes when she appears most confident.

So she waits,

A drop of sweat agitates her scalp

Like a purposeful louse.

The adversary waits also.

He prefers to watch her first from afar --

Assessing her strength,

Inhaling her beauty.

When the time comes

To attack,

He pretends to lose ground

In the face of her surgically-placed accusations and

Strategically-inserted revelations.

She thinks she’s winning.

And it exposes her twin weaknesses of

Compassion and Guilt.

Faced with eliminating him completely,

The Warrior Princess squanders her advantage.

“Are you going to be okay?” she asks.

Finally, the kill.

“No,” he answers. 

In victory, one hand travels to her noble cheek

And the other beckons her waist.

© Jennifer McBride, Cape of Leaves
For more information: www.touchingtrees.com

To order Cape of Leaves, click here.

The Smell of Goodbye

The Smell of Goodbye

Calloused feet more used to fleeing than dance

Creep shoeless,

Heel straps laced between fingers.

Breath is scrubbed clean by the half-stick

Twin of the gum snuck in

Before making love

Only hours ago.

Obligation observes

Her final kiss

Placed chastely on the brave, sleeping abandoned.

She aches to feel strong enough

To fend off

Ever-approaching shadows,

But failure has won.

Using her tongue to calm the

Minted mass hiding between chattering teeth

She burrows her naked toes and

Leans in once more before flight,

Inhaling the scent of what might have been.

© Jennifer McBride, Cape of Leaves

Jenni McBride McNamara is a Licensed Associate Marriage and Family Therapist in Saint Paul, MN. For more information about Jenni and her practice, please visit www.touchingtrees.com.

To order Cape of Leaves, click here.

"Renewed strength...comes alive"

Royalty

Look at the towering aspens

On this frigid December day.

Their frosty tops, like the heads of

A whole colony of ancient royalty,

Are gray and fuzzy like

Self-inflicted permanent waves

Gone mad.

Yet they still seem regal in their

Sameness and their

Solidarity.

But now, the low-skied morning sun

That was causing curly twigs

To glow as if with silver crowns

Has instigated a grand melt.

Even as we watch, the crystals that

Decorated them and

Named them as

Kings and Queens

Have begun to weep

And seep down their limbs.

Eyes made wise by years of reigning

Stare from trunks

Refusing to blink the tears

Out of their lashes.

Instead they let the fresh new water

Run down each wrinkle and crack

Toward its loam-blanketed destination.

Because,

With liquid offering

Poured on throne steps,

Renewed strength to

Rule another season or two

Comes alive.

© Jennifer McBride, Cape of Leaves

For more information: www.touchingtrees.com

To order Cape of Leaves, click here.

Cape of Leaves

A few years ago, I found myself in a period of intense, immense, invigorating, and terrifying growth. During that time, one of my many coping mechanisms was to write...and write...and write. I didn't journal so much as I wrote in metaphor, sometimes turning the metaphor into a chapter and sometimes turning it into a poem.

For the next few Fridays, I'll be posting some of the poems that I think speak most to people who are in relationship transition. They are meant to be starting points for discussion, even if it's just a discussion with yourself.

Now that I'm a therapist, I see clients benefit from writing, journaling, making or participating in music, meditating, exercising, and taking care of themselves by committing to their futures. How are you giving yourself the care you need?

If you're in a tough relationship transition right now, or haven't fully completed one that you experienced before, let me know. In the meantime, take good care of yourself!

To order my book, Cape of Leaves, click here.

For more information: www.touchingtrees.com

Integrity: Why You Should Preserve and Not Spend It (During Your Divorce)

At the risk of starting this post like a middle-school paper, I want to first define integrity...

Integrity is "the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles and moral uprightness". Great. But what is "moral"? Another peek at a dictionary shows that morality is "principles concerning the distinction between right and wrong and good and bad behavior".

Fine. So, integrity is about being honest and maintaining one's principles regarding good and bad behavior. Now that THAT'S solved...

In a divorce (or even post-divorce), it can be really difficult for some people to maintain their integrity. They may be so psychically injured that they resort to name-calling, rumor-spreading, underhanded financial scheming, turning kids against a parent, and any number of other questionable behaviors.

Those partners/ex-partners spend their integrity like they have an unlimited supply of it. They spend their integrity as if it's a currency that can re-grow on trees. The problem is that integrity doesn't grow on trees and can't be reclaimed without a great deal of reparation and humility.

Think about anyone you've known who has had a habit of (or even just one significant period of) lying, manipulating, wiggling out of trouble, disparaging someone else, spreading gossip... Then think about what your impression of that person is. Do you trust them? Do you want to work with them? Or are you wary and not interested in spending much time with them at all?

When one or both partners in a breakup spend their integrity, they lose the chance to work together authentically for the sake of their children (if there are any) or themselves. How can one parent trust the intentions of the other parent when all indications are that his or her integrity has been all used up? The reality is, they can't. That loss of trust then permeates all interactions.

However, preserving your integrity just so you can work with your ex isn't the only reason to hold on to it. You need to preserve your integrity for yourself -- so you can, quite frankly, live with yourself and sleep well at night. You may also want to be a positive role model for your kids or others who will look at how you handled yourself.

When I work with individuals or couples who are in relationship crisis, one of the first things I tell them is that we will work together to help them maintain their integrity through the process. It's critical for one's self-respect to at least try to do that. It's also critical to have a safe place to vent when your ex is spending their own integrity faster than seems possible--mostly so you can process it, but also so you don't spend some of your own trying to defend yourself.

If you'd like more information on how to maintain your integrity (or even get it back!) during a breakup, let me know--I'd be happy to help. Email me at jennimcmc@touchingtrees.com or check out my website at www.touchingtrees.com.

Do I Need an Attorney? Guest Post by Amanda Porter, Porter Law Office

Divorce is an emotional, confusing, and messy process. Not knowing what to expect can be one of the most terrifying aspects for many people. Here are some answers to important, but common, questions: Do you need to have an attorney? If so, what kind of attorney do you want? What’s a collaborative divorce?

First things first...

The first decision someone getting divorced will need to make is whether to hire an attorney or not. The pros of hiring an attorney are pretty obvious – having someone who will handle all the paperwork for you, someone to guide you through the process, someone who knows the law and can explain it to you, etc. The drawbacks to hiring an attorney are also fairly obvious – we’re not cheap! Furthermore, hiring the wrong attorney can make things more awkward and actually further complicate things, while still costing a lot of money.

Do I need an attorney?

So how do you know if you need an attorney? No one is required to have an attorney, but the more complicated a case is, the more helpful it is to have an attorney. A couple that was married for two years, has no children, has no debt and has few assets probably doesn’t need an attorney. A couple that was married for fifteen years, has minor children, has retirement assets, has a house, has debt and has had domestic violence, could probably use an attorney. The more complicating issues there are, the more helpful (and possibly necessary) an attorney is. 

We all like to save money, but many things in a divorce are irreversible once a judge signs and doing it incorrectly can cause more problems and cost more money than hiring an attorney in the first place. If you’re not sure if you need an attorney, talk to one. Ask questions about how complicated your case is. You also may be able to hire an attorney to just review your paperwork and make sure there are no major red flags or to help you draft your paperwork.

What kind of attorney is right for me?

If you’ve decided you need or want an attorney, the next step is finding the right attorney. Price is an important part of the decision, but should not be the only factor. I encourage everyone to meet with multiple attorneys to find the right fit. Keep in mind that you’ll need to share some fairly intimate information (money, kids, possibly sex/drugs/violence depending on the circumstances) with your attorney – if you’re not comfortable doing that, that person is not the right attorney for you. Some attorneys are more blunt, some do more hand-holding. What would you prefer?

Should I look into a "collaborative" divorce?

Also complicating the issue is deciding what kind of attorney you need. Attorneys that handle divorce are generally called “family law attorneys” but there are some specializations within family law. A popular and often effective subset is “collaborative divorce.” The goal of collaborative divorce is for the parties to work collaboratively and reach agreements on all the issues in their dissolution, without having a judge. (This should almost always be the initial goal of any family law attorney absent extenuating circumstances). Collaborative family law attorneys work with the parties to attempt to resolve all the issues. 

The main difference between collaborative law and non-collaborative is that in collaborative law if the parties fail to reach an agreement, the parties have to start over with new (non-collaborative) attorneys. This is done to incentivize parties to reach an agreement (it does often work) but if parties are not able to reach an agreement it can be much more expensive. The collaborative process is a great tool, but may not be appropriate in cases where there has been domestic violence. If you have experienced domestic violence in your relationship but are still interested in the collaborative process, speak to professionals in the process to determine if it’s appropriate.

If you have other questions for Amanda, you can reach her through her website, email, or phone:

http://www.aporterlaw.com/

651.797.0990

amanda@aporterlaw.com

Porter Law Office offers a free one-hour consultation either in-person or by phone, whichever is more convenient for you. Hiring an attorney is a big investment and a free consultation permits you to ask questions about your case, the experience level of the attorney and to make sure it is a good fit for you. Call 651-797-0990 or e-mail amanda@aporterlaw.com today to set up your free one-hour consultation.