Oh Crud, It's COVID-19: Considerations for High Conflict Relationships

If you’re in a high-conflict relationship and think things can’t get worse, well…they might. They might also get better, though, so let’s take a look at some things to consider during this COVID-19 emergency.

For some, fear and anxiety over both the known and unknown are making daily lives highly stressful. Are we catching something when we’re out buying what we hope is enough toilet paper? Are we spreading something if we attend our grandparents’ anniversary party? What about kissing on a date? What’s up with that guy sneezing in the elevator?

Even the most non-germaphobic among us are starting to bump elbows in greeting and grab bathroom door handles with a paper towel. This weekend I entered a Costco feeling pretty proud of myself for not panicking and left with the obligatory 30-pack of toilet paper, an emotionally necessary tub of sea salt caramels, and a slew of best wishes to and from my new checkout line friends.


So let’s add this new fear and anxiety to the constants of being in a high-conflict relationship…dread, despair, anger, frustration and so much more.


What’s at play under the surface.


You know by now that there are a lot of things going on at all times in your relationship with a high-conflict person. There’s a chess game that you may or may not know the rules to. There are long-standing patterns of interacting that aren’t healthy. There are actions and reactions that cycle you right back into those patterns with regularity.


Right now, ask yourself this: How do I typically handle stress and how am I handling the COVID-19 stress? Am I calmer and more level-headed? Am I freaking out? Am I worried for my health, my family’s health, my children, my parents? How’s my sleep? How am I eating?


Now ask yourself this: How does my high-conflict person handle their stress? Do they lash out? Do they retreat? Do they need to control more things? Do they ignore guidelines and professional advice and do whatever they want? How might this kind of new stress be affecting them?


Your answers to all of those questions will help you understand better how the COVID-19 pandemic may impact each of your reactions to each other.


If you know you are freaking out, try to remember to take a deep breath when your high-conflict person says something like, “It’s not like kids are getting it”, or “My parents have had long lives, they’ll be okay,” or “We’re all going to die.” If you know they manage their stress by micro-managing and controlling everything, try not to be surprised when they present you with an elaborate COVID-19 plan that seems way over the top. If they feel entitled to do the opposite of what people in authority tell them, be prepared for them to poo-poo your concerns.


See if you can get to a place of empathy, at least for a little while. First, have empathy for yourself: “I’m already stressed out and, despite my efforts not to, I might react badly when I don’t mean to.” And try to have empathy for them: “As awful as I think they are, there’s no way they want our kids to be harmed by this and they are probably just as concerned on the inside as I am.”

How the conflict can get better.


The first thing you can do, if you haven’t already, is assess what most of your conflict (with the high-conflict person in your life) is about. Some conflicts may disappear for a while:


Where and when to see each other

Kids’ after-school activities

Getting homework done and turned in

What church to attend

Any conflict about something that is currently cancelled, like school (for some people), work, social activity, events, travel, etc.


Now, we all know that high-conflict people might find a way to fight even if there is really nothing to fight about, but you have the COVID Card in your pocket. “We don’t have to fight about that right now because it’s not an issue.” Don’t be afraid to use it. And, if at any time you don’t feel healthy and need to isolate from that person, do it. You don’t need permission right now.


How the conflict might get worse.


Yeah, I realize that list above is kind of short. But I’m almost an optimist, ok? Here’s how the conflict might get worse and how you can start now to try to mitigate it.


Parenting time issues can be a nightmare. Sometimes with high-conflict exes with whom you share parenting time, that concept is the button that causes most of your issues. How is parenting time affected when there is self-quarantine, real quarantine, changes in work schedules, etc.? It might be good to start that conversation now.


“If one of our households needs to self-quarantine, how are we going to handle parenting time?” seems like a reasonable question to ask. Similarly, you may say, “If my household gets COVID-19 and child isn’t with me, are you able to keep child for 14 days? How can we make sure I have contact with child during that time?” “How can we work together if our kids can’t be in school for some time?”

If your anxiety went up just thinking about having that conversation, you’re not alone. But, the alternative is this…you hear that ex’s house is quarantined and your child is with you. You refuse to let child go over, ex thinks you’re withholding, files a motion for denied parenting time…and POOF you’re racking up attorney’s fees and adding to the conflict. Or vice-versa.


How about money? What if one of you has a reduction in pay and either can’t meet your monthly budget obligation or can’t pay spousal maintenance or child support? A way to broach that conversation is this, “I do/don’t anticipate that my work will be affected. How can we work together to make sure child’s needs are getting met if one or both of our incomes is affected?” Or, “How can we handle if one of us can’t meet our obligations?”


Generally, it will be good to at least ask the important questions. You may not get the answers you need or want but asking the questions will (at worst) get you each on the record with your thoughts and (at best) may encourage productive conflict resolution.


Special considerations.


You may be in a situation where your high-conflict person may try to use the COVID-19 issue to wreak more havoc on your life, not less. If you are currently in a high-conflict relationship that includes isolating you from friends and family and using verbal, physical, or emotional abuse to control you, setting a firm boundary related to COVID-19 guidelines could be difficult. Know that you have both science and government backing your decisions. If necessary, reach out to a friend or family member that can take you in.


If you have children and are in a situation in which the kids are estranged from you, this can be a particularly scary time because the other parent has the perfect excuse to continue to keep the kids away. More than ever, try to keep lines of communication open with the kids through phone calls, emails, texts, video chats, etc. so that the disconnection doesn’t get any bigger. Continue communicating with the other parent about the ongoing situation. You may find there are ways to support the kids even if they aren’t with you: offer to bring supplies, food, meals, games, etc.


If you are someone who wants to protect your kids from the other parent by keeping them with you no matter what, please don’t use this time to do that unless there are symptoms in either the child or the other parent. During times of stress, children need as many supports as possible and that includes the other parent. You may even find that the kids are more concerned than usual about the other parent if the other parent isn’t practicing good self-care or is otherwise unhealthy. Encouraging communication and electronic connection with the other parent allows for continuity of parenting without potential virus transmission.

Final thoughts.


Being in a relationship with a high-conflict person is sometimes being in a nearly-constant state of anxiety and fear. Right now we are in a time when there are additional, very real, stressors that are causing new, bigger anxieties and fears. Chances are, the COVID-19 pandemic is going to affect your daily experiences and the life of the high-conflict person in your life.


You can manage this change by reflecting on how you and the high-conflict person handle stress and observing how you are both handling this new stress. You can be proactive by asking questions and suggesting courses of action that protect you, your high-conflict person, and your kids, if applicable. You can also be aware that some high-conflict people may use this time of uncertainty to increase their antics, not reduce them.


Lastly, if you already have a mental health professional, check in with them. You may find that you need some additional services right now that you have added stress on top of your already stressful situation. Some offer teletherapy to accommodate social distancing recommendations and may be willing to work with you on creative solutions to continue supporting you.


If you are in Minnesota and need resources or a consultation about your situation and how it’s being affected by COVID-19, please feel free to call our office at 651-414-9423 or email jennimcmc@touchingtrees.com.

Relationship Consulting: When it makes sense to get another opinion

What would you say if I told you that, much of the time, the only part of someone’s life that they DON’T get help from a consultant on is their relationship?

Think about it. We get help from specialists for almost everything. From our cars, to our plumbing, to our retirement accounts, to our fitness, to our spirituality, to our parenting, to our healthcare…we rely on and value the input of specific, learned, trusted others.

But our relationships? Rarely. Sometimes people will get some pre-marital counseling before getting married. But people who aren’t married don’t often reach out for that. Sometimes people will seek some religious mentoring if they want to feel closer to each other. Generally, though, the first time most people start to "consult" about their relationships is when things are starting to fall apart..and then they consult with friends and family before thinking about therapy.

Why do we do that to ourselves? (I can give you an answer, but maybe I’ll save that for another day!)

Our primary intimate relationship, whether married or not, is a foundation of our stability and success. This is the person we share time and resources with, rely on, support, get supported by, laugh with, cry around, raise children with, attend cousin’s birthday parties with, fart near, retire with…this is the big one. This is THE relationship that we put a big chunk of our lives into.

We are taught, though, that once we’re partnered or married, we should know how to do it all by ourselves. We should know how to fight fairly, apologize, express our needs, share our time equitably, and achieve life balance. And if we can’t…then we’ve failed ourselves and our relationship, and sometimes even our family and our religion.

It’s only then, IF THEN, that we reach out for help. When the problems have gotten too big or the silences have gotten too long—that’s when we think, “Crap! We need to get some help!” So many times, though, the rift is such that a few half-hearted sessions of couples counseling just isn’t enough to salvage anything of the original relationship and it, unfortunately, ends.

I believe it doesn’t have to be that way. I believe receiving a relationship consultation early can do one of a number of things:

1) Keep you out of therapy. Catch those communication or conflict issues early and you may not even need counseling.

2) Get you the specific help you do need. Yes, couples need help sometimes. But maybe you need a sex therapist and not an attachment therapist. Maybe you need a financial planner and not a sex therapist. Maybe you need an attorney, but maybe you just need some enrichment exercises! A relationship consultant helps you identify your relationship’s unique needs and get you the relevant support.

3) Keep a bad situation from getting worse. Maybe the relationship is too far gone to salvage. But, a relationship consultant can tell you the hot button items AND how to address them in order to reduce the emotional and financial cost of a breakup.

A relationship consultation should be the first step for any relationship that is experiencing any issues, however big or small. It’s the quickest, most cost-effective way to get a handle on what you need and to get the personalized, specialized support to meet those needs.

Next Up: Fine, I’m Listening: What Does a RelationshipConsultant Do?

Do I Need an Attorney? Guest Post by Amanda Porter, Porter Law Office

Divorce is an emotional, confusing, and messy process. Not knowing what to expect can be one of the most terrifying aspects for many people. Here are some answers to important, but common, questions: Do you need to have an attorney? If so, what kind of attorney do you want? What’s a collaborative divorce?

First things first...

The first decision someone getting divorced will need to make is whether to hire an attorney or not. The pros of hiring an attorney are pretty obvious – having someone who will handle all the paperwork for you, someone to guide you through the process, someone who knows the law and can explain it to you, etc. The drawbacks to hiring an attorney are also fairly obvious – we’re not cheap! Furthermore, hiring the wrong attorney can make things more awkward and actually further complicate things, while still costing a lot of money.

Do I need an attorney?

So how do you know if you need an attorney? No one is required to have an attorney, but the more complicated a case is, the more helpful it is to have an attorney. A couple that was married for two years, has no children, has no debt and has few assets probably doesn’t need an attorney. A couple that was married for fifteen years, has minor children, has retirement assets, has a house, has debt and has had domestic violence, could probably use an attorney. The more complicating issues there are, the more helpful (and possibly necessary) an attorney is. 

We all like to save money, but many things in a divorce are irreversible once a judge signs and doing it incorrectly can cause more problems and cost more money than hiring an attorney in the first place. If you’re not sure if you need an attorney, talk to one. Ask questions about how complicated your case is. You also may be able to hire an attorney to just review your paperwork and make sure there are no major red flags or to help you draft your paperwork.

What kind of attorney is right for me?

If you’ve decided you need or want an attorney, the next step is finding the right attorney. Price is an important part of the decision, but should not be the only factor. I encourage everyone to meet with multiple attorneys to find the right fit. Keep in mind that you’ll need to share some fairly intimate information (money, kids, possibly sex/drugs/violence depending on the circumstances) with your attorney – if you’re not comfortable doing that, that person is not the right attorney for you. Some attorneys are more blunt, some do more hand-holding. What would you prefer?

Should I look into a "collaborative" divorce?

Also complicating the issue is deciding what kind of attorney you need. Attorneys that handle divorce are generally called “family law attorneys” but there are some specializations within family law. A popular and often effective subset is “collaborative divorce.” The goal of collaborative divorce is for the parties to work collaboratively and reach agreements on all the issues in their dissolution, without having a judge. (This should almost always be the initial goal of any family law attorney absent extenuating circumstances). Collaborative family law attorneys work with the parties to attempt to resolve all the issues. 

The main difference between collaborative law and non-collaborative is that in collaborative law if the parties fail to reach an agreement, the parties have to start over with new (non-collaborative) attorneys. This is done to incentivize parties to reach an agreement (it does often work) but if parties are not able to reach an agreement it can be much more expensive. The collaborative process is a great tool, but may not be appropriate in cases where there has been domestic violence. If you have experienced domestic violence in your relationship but are still interested in the collaborative process, speak to professionals in the process to determine if it’s appropriate.

If you have other questions for Amanda, you can reach her through her website, email, or phone:

http://www.aporterlaw.com/

651.797.0990

amanda@aporterlaw.com

Porter Law Office offers a free one-hour consultation either in-person or by phone, whichever is more convenient for you. Hiring an attorney is a big investment and a free consultation permits you to ask questions about your case, the experience level of the attorney and to make sure it is a good fit for you. Call 651-797-0990 or e-mail amanda@aporterlaw.com today to set up your free one-hour consultation.