Adventure Connection

This past weekend I had the opportunity to hang out with two smart, funny, engaging women for nine driving hours, five meals, three hours of full-on adventure, and (at least) two bags of salty snacks.

Our particular exploit included a fake run-for-the-Canadian-border (since we were a mere 45 minutes from the actual border and we had access to some empty woods) and a whole lot of documenting photos. We planned the whole adventure, from pre-trip photos setting up the story, to hand-printed signs on the only paper we had available to us (yellow-lined note paper), to post-escape pleas for bail money.

It was imagination and exhilaration...and created a one-moment-in-time connection for the three of us.

And, it all got me thinking about how many opportunities we have for adventure (not very many), but how rewarding the connection can be if we take a chance.

You may have recently received an invitation from a Facebook friend or an email mailing list to participate in something civic-minded. It might have been to support a cause that aligns with your values. It might have been to express your position on current events.

If you're like me, you've considered whether you should participate because...well, there will be strangers there. And you might wonder if your friends or family will think you're weird. And you don't know if you have time because there are so many other obligations.

I would encourage you, though, to stretch and challenge yourself to participate. Think of it as an adventure. (Never ridden public transportation? Never walked in the street when you're not supposed to? Never just gone to a museum or a restaurant to try something new?)

The connections we can make with others who are also out adventuring can be life-changing. The connections we make within ourselves can be invaluable. When's the last time you listened to that part of yourself that wants to just be silly? When's the last time you calmed your anxiety and took a plunge anyway?

You don't need to have a lot of free time to create an adventure. You just have to be willing to step outside your schedule and your roles. And make a run for it...

Self-Help Book Club Suggestions!

Hi everyone --

I just posted a video inviting you to participate in a virtual self-help book club with me over the coming months. Here are links to the books I mentioned in the video:

  Conscious Uncoupling: Katherine Woodward Thomas

The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: Beverly Engel

Mom's House, Dad's House: Isolina Ricci, PhD.

The Divorce Remedy: Michele Weiner Davis

Transformational Divorce: Karen Kahn Wilson, Ed.D

The Long Way Home--The Powerful 4-Step Plan for Adult Children of Divorce: M. Gary Neuman

If any of these seem interesting to you, or you'd like to suggest a different one we can read together, feel free to email me at:

jennimcmc@touchingtrees.com

Or call  me at:
612-888-2522

Or visit my website at:
www.touchingtrees.com

Using Insurance for Couples Therapy? Here are 4 Considerations

In terms of mental health, the Affordable Care Act provided individuals one really important benefit: coverage. And not just coverage, but benefits that were on par with the benefits one could receive for medical health issues. In other words, the ACA finally allowed people with mental illness to a) get insurance (because they couldn't be denied for a pre-existing condition), b) pay reasonable charges for services, and c) not be charged more in premiums because of a mental health condition (see this page for more info).

 That was all excellent news for people who needed to seek therapy or medication to help with mental, behavioral, or mood disorders.

However, by equating mental health services with medical services, the system became a little sticky for couples. After all, how do you diagnose a couple who is having problems, say, communicating? 

There are four considerations a couple should take into account before they use their insurance for therapy.

1) One of you has to get diagnosed with something. That's the way insurance works. For a provider to get reimbursed by your insurance company, they have to "prove" that there's a need for their services. This is done by submitting a diagnosis to insurance. Currently, the medical codes that pertain to relationship work are not generally reimbursable. Hmmm. That means that one of you has to get diagnosed with a mental disorder in order for your provider to get paid.

2) The partner who is most distressed is more likely to get diagnosed. It may be that you're losing your marbles because you just found out your partner has been cheating on you. It could be that you're angry beyond belief that you your partner has drained your bank account to fund a friend's business. In many couples who seek therapy, one partner is considerably more distressed than the other, thereby looking more disordered. Despite the fact that one partner is reacting to the conflict created by the other partner, the reactor is usually going to get the diagnosis.

3) If you break up, the diagnosis doesn't go away. Although mental illness diagnoses can be temporary, they often aren't treated that way. So, if you're upset and anxious because of your relationship AND get diagnosed with depression or anxiety, that diagnosis is in your medical history forever. Of course, so are the two UTIs and spells of bronchitis you had in the last five years, but there's an understanding that those were cured. "Curing" a mental illness is not as measurable as checking a urine sample or reporting that your cough has gone away, so its presence isn't discounted as easily.

4) A diagnosis can be used against you, intentionally or not. There are a few ways this can happen. a) In the most horrible, worst-case scenario, your and your partner break up and your partner wants...custody, the house, your IRA, etc. and uses your diagnosis of depression or anxiety (or whatever else) to pressure you or the courts to grant them something. 

b) In a lesser worst-case scenario, your diagnosis can limit your ability to get life insurance at a later date. True story: a woman I know had to pay extra in life insurance premiums because she was diagnosed with depression while going through her divorce. In order to petition to have her rates lowered, she had to not mention any sort of emotional distress to her doctor for at least a year.

c) In just a who-woulda-thunk scenario, you and your partner stay together after therapy (which is great!), but there is a shift in the power differential between you because one of you has been labeled less fit to handle the stress of conflict in the relationship.

Many couples who seek therapy just want good help--at a good price--as soon as possible. Usually "at a good price" seems, on the surface, like the same thing as "using insurance", but it may not be. If you or someone you know is thinking about seeking therapy for a relationship issue, you might want to think about the non-monetary costs of incurring a diagnosis.

Things to ask a therapist about insurance:

1) How will you determine who gets diagnosed?

2) Will you take a cash payment (or even a discounted cash payment) instead of submitting to my insurance?

3) In your experience, does my insurance company manage treatment in terms of number of sessions, type of therapy, etc?

What is Closure...Really?

A quick look-up of the word "closure" as it relates to psychology shows that closure is when you take something that is ambiguous or not-understood and find a resolution to it. In that sense, closure can be minimized as a simple question  ---->  answer process.

Relationship closure is a whole different beast, though. Ambiguity in a relationship, particularly one that's in crisis, can last for years and have many different layers. There are questions about the other, such as:

** Why is he/she acting like that?
** Is there someone else?
** Is my partner cheating/mentally ill/physically ill/stressed out?

And there are ambiguous questions about ourselves, such as:

** What did I do to cause this?
** Is it my fault?
** Could I have been better/sexier/funnier/richer/more attractive?
** What could I have done to make this relationship work?

The interplay of all of those unknowns can make it really challenging to find "closure" in any real sense of the word. How can you achieve closure when you're not sure if maybe you could have done something to prevent your relationship from falling apart?

In my work with pre-divorce/divorcing/and post-divorce individuals and couples, there is a palpable belief that closure can happen and it can happen in such a way as to make people feel better. As an optimist, I do believe closure can occur and it can be a relief. I also think of that type of closure as an "ideal" closure.

As a realist, I think we need to explore that a more "baseline" closure may happen instead and that baseline closure may have to suffice for awhile.

Recently, I was asked what word I would use that means the same thing as closure. I couldn't think of just one. Instead, I thought that closure (particularly baseline closure) is a mixture of 1) acceptance of the things that happened, 2) hope for the future, and 3) forward motion toward change.

Accepting what's happened isn't necessarily finding answers, but it's the acknowledgement that answers may not be found. In couples where one partner wants to know "WHY?" and the other partner still has ambiguity about that very same thing, answers won't be forthcoming. So, accepting that something happened and can't be changed is really that first step toward closure.

Secondly, developing or rekindling hope for the future is key to finding closure. If you can't envision a future for yourself that holds something positive, you won't move past needing to understand the "why" of your situation. You'll be constantly trying to find "the answer" because it feels like the answer has to come before the hope.

Finally, forward motion is the process of acting on your hope. Forward motion means making one change, or a whole bunch of changes, that propel you toward your positive vision of what the future will look like.

If you're in the process of trying to find closure, which stage best describes where you are right now? If you've achieved closure, how did you do it? What were the pivotal moments that told you that you'd gotten to where you needed to be?

Please feel free to email your responses or post them on this blog. You can reach me at jennimcmc@touchingtrees.com. You can also check out my website at www.touchingtrees.com for more information about achieving closure within relationships.

Victim + Survivor = Inspired Identity

As someone who has lived through some tough emotional times before, during, and after a relationship break-up, I know there were points when I considered myself a victim and points when I considered myself a survivor.

I also know there were times when I was accused of being a victim and accused of being a survivor. The accusation of victimhood was that I was wallowing in self-pity and inertia and that the toxic combo of self-pity and inertia would cause me to stay rooted in an uninspired identity. The accusation of survivorhood was a bit more complicated; it was based on the idea that survivorhood implied previous victimhood, which was (like mentioned just a sentence before) was shameful. 

The accusations caused me to wonder who or what was driving my life narrative.

It got to the point where I wasn't sure what to refer to myself as, especially as more time passed and I was further away from the events that triggered the feeling of being victimized. It was then that I understood that there is a third step on the path of dramatic life change -- that of Inspired Identity.

Recently, I read an article about the victim/survivor discourse being shaped by the use of those two vocabulary words: "victim" and "survivor". In the article, "'Survivor’ Versus ‘Victim’: Why Choosing Your Words Carefully Is Important". Gwendolyn Wu writes,

"Empowering yourself in the context of a traumatic and life-changing experience is definitely not as easy as making a linguistic switch. However, making this vocabulary switch can impact the healing process in a positive way for some."

There is definitely a place for seeing oneself as a victim of another's aggression and abuse. An understanding of being a victim allows us to take action -- to see the contrast between what is and isn't appropriate for us to accept. Being a victim lets us say, "It's time to get help".

There is also a time when it's important to consider ourselves survivors. That time comes when the threat of imminent abuse is over and we have taken concrete physical and emotional steps to mitigate its effects and prevent its recurrence. At that point, we have survived the worst of it and made a decision to move forward. We have survived.

Then comes the third step: Creating an Inspired Identity.

I think of this step as being the time when, instead of saying "I'm a victim" or "I'm a survivor", you can simply say, "I'm a _______________". In my case, it's "I'm a therapist, writer, business owner". It can be whoever you have become as a result of who you have been.

I AM A:
mom
partner
manager
friend
pastor
community leader
employee
student
traveler
inspiration

...you get the idea. Your identity becomes yours and not an identity based on foiling someone else's bad actions. Being a victim at one point in your life doesn't set you up for a simple dichotomy for the rest of it. There isn't a switch between just victim or just survivor. You are on a path that includes much more.

For more information on moving through an Everlasting Divorce and creating an Inspired Identity, join me at www.touchingtrees.com. There you will find a survey that lets you get a FREE analysis of your situation, as well as loads more information and support. You can also share your story at Minnesota Post-Divorce Support.

5 Reasons Why You Still Fight With Your Ex

When you're in an Everlasting Divorce, or a relationship that is based on high-conflict even though you're officially separated, you might wonder, "Why is this happening?!" "Why won't he/she leave me alone?!" These are common questions you might ask yourself each time a new conflict arises.

One key to moving beyond an Everlasting Divorce is getting some clarity on why it's occurring in the first place. There are 5 reasons why you and your ex are stuck in this stressful situation.

1) Inability to disengage: One mantra from the couple's therapy world is, "Do you want to be right or do you want to be done?" This refers to the idea that you can fight about being right, which just maintains the status quo of conflict and anger. OR, you can decided that it's not as important to be right as it is to be DONE. Being done means that you refuse to argue or respond, even when you KNOW you're right.

2) Personality traits: A lot of people who are in an Everlasting Divorce have used the internet to determine that their ex has a personality disorder. In an attempt to figure out the WHY of it all, they figure out the BLAME of it all -- the other person. Definitely, people who exhibit traits of a personality disorder can be extremely difficult to detach from. One thing you should know, though, is that personality disorders can only be diagnosed by a mental health professional (ta-da!) and only if the "disordered" person comes in for that evaluation...which most don't. So, if your ex is showing signs of a potential personality disorder, that's important information to have because it can help you determine the best ways to work with them to move forward, but it's not a diagnosis that lays all the blame at her/his feet.

3) Attachment issues: When we're babies, we attach to a primary care giver. If that attachment is disrupted in some way and another adequate attachment is not formed, a person can have attachment issues. These may show up in ED as "control issues" because one of you is having difficulty with the feeling of rejection or abandonment that can occur with an Everlasting Divorce.

4) Caretaking: Sometimes this is also called "overfunctioning". If one of you has always taken care of the other, that's a really hard habit to break because the caretaker's sense of self is tied to being helpful. Maintaining a caretaking pattern of reminding someone about bills, making appointments for them, cooking for them, etc. keeps the relationship close, and it also can create resentments and anger.

5) Boundary issues: We hear a lot about "boundaries", but what that means in an Everlasting Divorce is that one or both of you aren't either creating adequate boundaries for yourself or respecting the boundaries of the other person. That might look like one person trying to make rules at the other parent's house. It might take the form of checking Facebook to see who your ex is dating...those kinds of things.

There's a lot of overlap in the potential causes of Everlasting Divorce. Taking a good, hard look at which (or how many) of those potential causes are at work in you ED can be a great first step toward making a change.

For more information, or to make an appointment to talk more about this, please go to www.touchingtrees.com or email Jenni at jennimcmc@touchingtrees.com. 

Discern THIS! Why Discernment Counseling Might Just Be What Your Struggling Marriage Needs

Discernment Counseling is a revolutionary new way to approach couples in trouble. It involves less of the emotional vulnerability needed for couples therapy and also less of the conflict we see in divorce mediation. 

Instead, Discernment Counseling meets a couple where they currently are: trying to decide whether to keep plugging away or move on. This type of counseling is perfect for couples in which one partner wants to stay in the marriage (the Leaning In partner) and one partner may be thinking about leaving the marriage (the Leaning Out partner). We call those "mixed agenda" couples because each partner is considering something different.

There are some key features of Discernment Counseling that may appeal to a couple in distress.

"Discernment counseling differs from regular marriage counseling in three ways: 

a) the goal is not to solve problems in the relationship, but to figure out whether the problems can be solved; 

b) the process involves mainly individual conversations with each partner, since they each have different needs and agendas, and 

c) it is always short term." (Most Discernment Counseling processes only last 1-5 sessions!)

What's really lovely about Discernment Counseling is that it takes certain pressures off of the couple -- like the pressure to fake their way through therapy, the pressure to end the marriage cold turkey, or the pressure to figure it all out by themselves. 

The Discernment Counseling therapist walks each partner through a series of questions and discussions that help the partners choose what's best for them individually, as well as for their marriage.

At the end of a Discernment Counseling process, each partner has to choose one of three things:

1) We are going to keep things just how they are and not do anything new.

2) W are going to separate and begin the process of ending our relationship.

3) We are going to commit to 6 months of intensive couples therapy in order to try to resolve our differences and save our marriage.

With both the second and third options, the couple can save themselves tons of time and money by going through Discernment Counseling first. 

If they decide to separate, they are ahead of the game because they have each begun the process of finding themselves as individuals. If they decide to try couples therapy, they have identified the key issues that must be addressed immediately in order to save the relationship.

For more information, please check out:

http://www.touchingtrees.com/discernment-counseling

www.discernmentcounseling.com

And, if you have any questions, please don't hesitate to call me at 612-888-2522 or email me at jennimcmc@touchingtrees.com.

** If this doesn't apply to you, but might be useful for someone you know, please feel free to pass it along!